Relationships, Frazzeled Nerves, and The Battle Against Growing Up : A Tale of Hardships

I honestly do not know what to do...Lately I've been feeling very out of it. And the bf hasn't really been helping this situation. I'm unhappy. Not with him, not with us, but with life. With how everything is just stuck in motion. Unmoving, not growing. My social life still sucks, house situations the same, things with the bf (though lately rocky) are the same, my job sucks, bills suck, and being an adult sucks. I know I'm just full of words tonight aren't I? I just don't know what it is but I've been on edge lately. Everything and Anything, has had the ability to wind me up and send me spiraling. And Ryan? Well he hasn't exactly been making matters any easier. He's mad, perhaps even hurt, because for the first summer in two years we really haven't spent any weekends away together.

If you ask me we were spoiled. Our first two blissful summers together I was still in school so I was unemployed and able to go where I wanted, when I wanted. However this year is different. With me working only weekends and him working weekdays, weekends away together are out of the question. He is quite unhappy with that fact and has no trouble showing it. It's not like I'm happy though! I absolutely HATE the fact that I can't go to the beach or laze around in bed with him. I despise the fact that he gets to go out with his friends on the weekends and get trashed or have adventures while I'm stuck at work. It hurts to know that the only real time we get together is work on Mondays, maybe 2 hours on Sundays and thankfully for our sanity a full day on Friday.

I hate that I can't hang at his family's house at the beach and just enjoy time with him. Hate that when we are together we are generally too tired or time constrained to really do much at all. We haven't gone out to dinner in AGES and I miss how things used to be. I know that thing's aren't easy for him but they aren't easy for me either. Occasionally he hacks on me for a new job I was supposed to start months ago but haven't yet and it makes me feel inadequate. Like I'm not enough and whatever I do could never be enough. I know that's not his intention, that his annoyance isn't with me as much as the person who hired me and has yet to show anything for it. However I can't help but feel less every time. Because I can't fix it. As much as I wish I could I can not. Things are just the way they are and this job is good and maybe I could have gotten a better job if I had kept looking or maybe I wouldn't have found anything. Never the less we are still in the same position as before and I cant change that.

On a happier note (well sorta), my father is getting remarried next month. I'm not really happy about that, though I'm not pissed either. My father and I aren't that close so to me it's kinda whatever, I'm really indifferent. Anyway he's having an annoying destination wedding in FL and then he's off on a cruise. I was supposed to go with but the idea of being on a ship for so long with my dad and his new wife and family didn't exactly exhilarate me. So instead of paying my way on the cruise (his idea not mine) he's paying for my air fare, half of the hotel the bf and I will be staying at and he gave me cash to rent a car for getting around. So happily the bf and I will have a blissful vacation after all. It'll only be 5 days and over far too quick but I'm glad we're getting one at all. I think we really need it.

Everything has been so stressful lately, I can't stand it. I hate fighting with him and lately we've been doing alot of it. I know I'm probably at fault for most, but I can't help this feeling inside of just being lost and confused and scared out of my mind.

I can not wait for this break. I think it will be just what the doctor ordered. And hopefully when I get back my life will start to roll forward once more.

Driving is Freedom, But Freedom Has Needs : A Tale of Ups and Downs

So I went to my cousin Amy's Wedding with the bf and the rest of my family. I was afraid it was gonna be really awkward having him there. And it kinda was, but not near the extent I thought it would be. I was afraid because, well because, we had never been in that type of situation before. I had never brought him, let alone anyone to a wedding. Also we had never been put in any kind of slow dancing situation. Which I gotta say is quite odd since we shall hit our 2 year anniversary this August. Anyway it was nice, I cried and we ate a lot of food. Sadly though, because of the way the reception hall was situated I missed out on a few things. Like the garter removal and some of the goofiness that happens when the bridal party drinks too much. There was also the fact that the bf isn't much of a dancer so I was on the floor more often then he was so I felt bad leaving him alone. Then of course there was the embarrassment of my family initiating him in by making him dance or dancing around him. He however was a very amazing sport and took everything very well. And I love him for it.

Then of course came my birthday on the 14th. Not many people have ever really made a big thing about my birthday. You know those friends who take you out or plan gatherings or pub crawls so you could get totally blasted? Yeah, I've never had those. And the ones I had like that away at college could never really do anything for me since my birthday always landed in the summer while we were all home. Anyway the bf invited a bunch of people to a bar and we went out drinking and it was fun and made me really really happy.

On my actual BirthDAY I went to work and came home to a family party with delicious food and a yummy icecream cake from Baskin Robbins. The Boyfriend came over and it was a really great night.

I was set to take my drivers test on the 15th and was super worked up, stressed and utterly nervous out of my mind for it. On Saturday the 12th I find out that it was rescheduled to June 24th. I was mad, hurt, disappointed, relieved and well just a total mess. Now that I look back though I realize if I had taken it that Tuesday I most likely would have failed. By the 24th I felt very "whatever" about the test so I was relatively unstressed and no one wished me luck or spoke with me about it. When I got to the actual test I just breathed and listened to the radio with my instructor until it was my turn. The test seemed to go really fast and when I parked I was way too far from the curb. I told the test guy this and he told me to fix myself. Eighty million rapid heartbeats and 5 deducted points for excessive maneuvering in parking later, I was dubbed a license driver and happily now have the physical license to prove it.

I'm still waiting for a solid career type job. I'm still at home and my family still drives me bonkers at times. I still feel utterly stuck and lost and hopeless but things are kinda looking up for me.

I need to put my fears aside, take deep breaths and learn to grab life by the reigns...easier said then done though obviously.

On the plus side my sister is on vacation in Cali so I've been getting a lot more alone time. The boyfriend is positively amazing and patient with me as often and as much as I could ever possibly even ask him to be and things though still hard are hopefully on their way up.

So I leave you with this quote and hopes for betterment to myself and my life:

"Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." ~ Jack Buck

Spiraling : A Tale of Impending Insanity

So Living in my house may very well kill me. Let me just paint you a pretty little picture of my living situation for you so you understand. I live in my Grandmother's three story house. My Gran has a room on the first floor but is in her late 80's so can't really care for herself anymore. That's where my aunt Maria comes in. She has a room on the second floor. My aunt Millie and her 30-something year old son live on the entirety of the third floor. My older sister, 26, Angie has her own room on the second floor as well, that she mainly uses for the un-needed and un-organized mash-up of comics, manga, movies, cds, shoes, bags and other various items. My mom and I share what is essentially two rooms but when split 3 ways is more like less then half of one. Why 3 you ask, well that is in fact where my sister stays as well. So that's my sis on a futon and my mother and I sharing a queen bed. When we first moved in it wasn't so horrible because my sister only *slept* in our room. Now she invades it, no overrules it. Then it wasn't so bad when I was away at school but I would get constant calls from the two of them where they treated me like I should be the oldest when I'm the baby. It used to be my family had a beautiful German Shepard named Diva, but when she passed I fought tooth and nail for a new pup, Shiloh. So now there's him as well.

So that's 6 females if you missed the calculations. SIX! FEMALES! living under one roof. Not the brightest of ideas. I feel like I'm in a prison cell. Of course my sister is not the most tidy so there's that...and she's now unemployed and ALWAYS in the room. So there's that as well. We're off to a Wedding this weekend and my mom doesn't have shoes so she's freaking about that and well I've been at the Boyfriends as often as possible. Mostly cuz I love him but also as means for escape...which of course leaves my dog not getting walked or fed so much by me as my mom. Which of course doesn't help her mood at all. Which believe me I understand and do not blame her for.

I don't regret getting Shi at all because well I don't really know how or who'd I be right now if he wasn't around to put me back together when I was unraveling at the seems a few years back. However now it's kinda a hassle because my mom is proven right. She said she'd end up looking after him more then us...and now she pretty much is.

It's not what I want. Believe me. I'd love to have my own apt and have Ryan come to my place to crash so I could take care of Shi. Or drag the pup to Staten Island with me when I go but I can't. It's not Ryan's place and hes kinda not a pet guy.

So there's the stress of that. The suffocation of my sister never leaving the room, my mom's unhappiness with me, disappointment in myself for not being more self sufficient and well the need to be with bf. Not to mention the lack of drivers license, social life, friends...it's seriously getting at me. It's driving me insane. I just can't wait to be out of this hell hole so I can love my family again whole-heartedly without wanting to smack someone.

Sidenote the Wedding I'm off to this weekend is my older cousin Amy's. I'm happy for her but not so excited to go to the wedding. I was just thinking of this currently and have come to the conclusion that the reason for this may very well be that I'm kinda just a little jealous.

Also my mom said she kinda blames me for my sisters unrulyness and messiness because I backed her up when I was like eighteen...Thanks mom.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't expected to be the glimmering example for my OLDER sister. End.

Worries, Sleep deperavation and Selfishness : A Tale of Stupidity and Fear

So I love my Bf. And our job is pretty sweet. However this week one of the girls took off on a cruise vacation for two weeks. So who is covering her shift?? No, not me. Though I understand why your mind would assume that much. No, he is. So my poor boyfriend is working one more shift then his normal work week, not to mention days instead of his usual nights. Cool right? Wrong. Now his shifts are 8am throughout the day till 12 am. Which not only means that he has no time to do anything or make any real meals all week but it also means that I can't see him during the day. Now he's always tired and well, he had said this week that he realized he can't remember the last time we went out for dinner and that we should go out today...Problem with that? Besides the fact he got out of work late and thought we should take a nap before we go...he's asleep. And I want to be cuddled up beside him, I do, I just can't manage to sleep. I can't sleep and I wanted to go out today. Does that make me selfish? Probably. He's so tired so i don't want to wake him or say anything so here I sit in the living room wishing he were more I dunno himself? But I can't blame him. This job has been draining the life out of him. Which really sucks because it's been draining the life out of me too. So here we are, two lifeless individuals. Which wouldn't be so bad except I miss when we went places and did things and he wanted to party with me and drink and flirt.

I mean we're only gonna be 2 years in...is it all down hill from now? Are the conversations gonna get shorter, the outing less, the passion dwindling? God, I hope not.

I don't think I'd care at all if it weren't for the fact that he does things with his friends. Out for drinks, out for lunch. And well I do nothing. Because my friends are lacking and my life social life or lack there of totally sucks.

I want to be fun again. Want it to be like when we first started dating. When he couldn't get enough of me and wanted to take me out and show me off. When our nights were more then tv, eating dinner at home, sleep and the occasional bump and grind that is starting to feel more like a chore for him or a necessity, rather then something he wants or can't do without.

Don't get me wrong. I like the domesticated aspect of it all. It's refreshing to know I'm in a stable relationship. I am so very much in love with him and I know he loves me too...but sometimes I just feel...I dunno taken for granted?

Ugh just saying that makes me sick with myself. He's a great guy, a wonderful boyfriend. He loves me insanely and does tons for me. Often goes above and beyond for me. But he also jokes alot and lately is tired more often then not. And when he's tired he likes his space or just wants to sleep every moment. It's starting to eat away at me. I know it's stupid, or selfish or whatever. I just can't help feeling like a unnecessary part of his life. Like he'd be better off doing his own thing or at least would enjoy it more...

The Tears Fall, The World Spins, I Stand Still : A Tale of Life after Life

Since I graduated I don't feel like my life is moving forward. I feel like i'm stuck in the mud. If anything I feel like I'm rolling backwards. Away at school I had friends, I had a life, I had things to do and people to see. Parties, school, random drives and walks, stuff that took up my time even if it was nothing at all. Living away from home was freeing it was like floating. And now I'm grounded. How appropriate. I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough to live but according to health plus pays me too much for their help. I live at home and, when I'm around, my family drives me up a wall but when I'm not they make me feel guilty for how much time I spend away. I have no friends in the vicinity and the few ones I do have I can't hang out with because they only have time during the weekend which is the only time I do work. I'm up to my ears in loans and I feel like whatever money I do have leaves my hands in seconds. I have all these ideas for using my money or saving up for various things and wonder if I'll ever make enough to accomplish them. I feel utterly disgustingly fat even though I know i'm not that bad but gyms cost money and take up time. I have to go to Dr's for annual visits but don't have insurance to cover any of it which means it comes out of my moms pockets and I feel horrible for putting her out. My boyfriend makes me happy but then there are times where even he can't help me.

When I was young I was pretty much always depressed. In College, sophomore year and the year that followed I thought it might swallow me. Then things started looking up and I was back at school and I had amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend, was passing my classes and was generally enjoying life. Now that I'm back home I feel lost again. It's utterly pathetic too because I find myself at times jealous of my own boyfriend. He has friends and a social life, a job that pays him a hell of alot more then me and he buys what he wants when he wants it. I covet that. When he says he has plans or is going out I get hurt that I can't come too and that's just sad. The few guy friends I have left I don't really trust being alone with because I feel they will make a pass at me and it annoys me when they do so. And the one friend I hang with all the time has a baby, lives with her mom and unfortunately is currently unemployed and I even find myself jealous of her.

It's ridiculous and I don't know how to fix it all. Which makes me feel even worse when Ryan tries to cheer me up or fix it because it's currently unfix-able and unavoidable. There is no explaining it, it's a hole, no rhyme or reason, no way to fill it. It just is. I find myself walking around depressed quite often and worrying and crying and it annoys me. Then I get annoyed at being so annoying because I don't want to scare Ryan off or push him away. Then I also think back on how good of a relationship we had when I was away. How balanced it was and how little we fought and how passionate and alive it all was. And that annoys me. And now it all feels like everything in falling downhill and I don't know how to keep it all above water.

Men vs. Women : The Never Ending Battle and Facebooks Leading Role

So there has always been this battle between Men and Women. What is allowed, what is acceptable, what is crazy, what is stupid. It's like a long, long lists of DO's and DO NOT's. And in today's world with all the new technology it just seems to be getting worse. Guys are worried about girls fishing through e-mail or cellphones. Letting that crazy streak out.

However the worst piece of technology I have found in the equation would have to be Facebook. In the past, before Facebook and Myspace, guy's relationships with friends, girl and guy alike has been a semblance of mystery to women. We only knew what we were allowed to know. The cheating bf's never got caught, the flirting bf's never got caught and even the best of the best never gave a women cause to outright worry or get annoyed.

Nowadays everything is pasted in front of our eyes. True colors are shown, true spirits laid out in front of you. I was messing about on the web of facebook friends and newsfeeds and I came across some comments my bf put on some of his friends photos. His FEMALE friends.

Then another day I come across photos, that while innocent, make me want to puke. And well I know that that is stupid and petty and all manners and forms of dumb. Because well he is with me, he loves me, so what should it matter right?

But it does matter. It's stupid but it weasels it's way into your heart this sort of mix between anger and jealousy and just *hurt*. Which is ridiculous. He is a great boyfriend. He's truthful with me and forthcoming. He doesn't pretend to be anyone or anything else. He is who he is and what he does or says behind my back is the same stuff he does or says to my face. And I love him for that. But as much as it makes me happy that our relationship is no holds barred (what does that even truly mean?) it also hurts me. I get all the best and all the worst like it or not.

To show you just how amazing and truthful he is I'll let you in on a tibit. He goes out with a group of friends, mixed company and a picture is taken. Before the person who took the picture even has the time to consider putting it up on facebook he tells me about it. He says it's completely innocent but might not appear that way and wanted to tell me before I saw it. So of course I picture this horribly inappropriate picture that will make me want to pull my eyes out. I'm stalkin the girls FB everyday to see if she put it up. After days of not seeing it and driving myself crazy, her, another friend and I go out for drinks and I ask to see it. She says she's glad he told me and when I see it, it's absolutely not inappropriate at all. I blew the entire thing out of proportion in my head worrying an it was nothing. I felt stupid. Relieved but ridiculous.

So today seeing those pictures as much as they bother me I know they mean nothing and I'm overreacting. However I can't seem to help feeling the way I do. It annoys me that I feel the way I do and I react the way I do. The pictures just make me so insecure and uncomfortable.

That reason is exactly why I sometimes think that people who are dating shouldn't be friends on myspace or facebook, hell even twitter. There are just times where things can be taken the wrong way or create uncomfortable situations because of stupidity. What happened to the good old days when he would flirt with his friends, you would flirt with your friends and none was the wiser?

There are many a moment I wish we could return to that time. Because as much as I love the bf and know he's in love with me and is with me because he wants to be and because he wants no other but me...I still manage to want to scream/jump out a window/throw a fit when I see some of the pictures, comments, etc on FB.

Here's to being better then FB and not letting it or my stupid unruly emotions break me.

Emotions Run High : A Tale of Hindered Self-Control, A Day of Laundry and Jennifer's Body

So today was a fun filled day for me...well sorta, kinda. This morning the Boyfriend picked me and my laundry up from my house. Because well he's awesome like that. I was pretty darn happy when he called this morning. Then of course, we got into it. It really hurts when someone says 'This was a mistake I shouldn't have picked you up today.' So of course I head to the basement to do my laundry and well...cry. But then he comes down and tries to make me laugh and holds me and apologizes. And everything just feels so much better when he's holding me. And the rest of the day goes smoothly. Kissing and cuddling on the couch, ordering Jennifer's body On Demand (awesome movie go watch it), eating left over Pizza hut and mac & cheese. Then he has work and he drops me off and even home is quite nice.

I notice the Challah I made yesturday is practically gone. (Which was amazing and only possible because my awesome boyfriend got me a breadmaker for christmas) So I decide to make some more...and somehow manage to screw up the dough. But it bakes okay enough. Watching a new an exciting episode of Mercy and the bf calls.

So he asks me what I'm doing. 'Watching Mercy.' I say and he asks 'By yourself or wit the fam?'

'Wit the fam.' I answer and he responds 'Oh well I just wanted to call and say Hi. I'll let you get back.' I say, 'Okay I'll call you after. I love you.' He says 'Love you' and we hang up.

Now there is nothing wrong with this call. This is one of those calls I want to drop everything for. But I was really into the show and just wanted to finish watching it...I don't think that makes me a horrible person.

Mercy ends and I call him...his VM picks up. I hang up and repeat only yet again to get his VM...Then I text. 'Hey you.' to which I still get no response.

I know it's dumb to care because well his phone could've died or something. But like really? It just urks me a bit I guess. I'm weirdly programed.

Like for instance if we have a fight even if I'm super pissed at him I usually beat myself up over it. I feel somehow like he'll break up with me or hate me or something.

And every time I miss his call or something I apologize and give my reason for missing it. When he misses my call he usually doesn't give a reason and never really apologizes. I'm aware his reaction is the appropriate one. And I'm aware I'm totally wacky for feeling like the world is going to end over every little thing...but I just can't help it.

I should have really probably gone to a therapist by now after my first ever bf broke up with me when I was 18 and I broke apart. Or even when I was younger because I tended to be pretty depressed most of my life. But whatever. Too late now I guess. Or never to late perhaps.

Anyway the bread came out tasting really well. My sister bought me a really pretty nail polish! It's a very pretty blue. And well I know he still loves me. Phonecall or not.

In the Job front I scored a part-time from the bf at his job. Which thankfully means I can pay for things, buy what I want, and begin paying off all my debt. Unfortunately it also means according to the Health Insurance company I make too much money to qualify. Great!

The President really needs to get on some kinda Health Plan for College Graduates right after graduation up until you land your first good job. Or at least the first like 5-10 years after college. This really sucks. Healthcare is so damn pricey.

In other news, still no license unfortunately and I've been super moody/emotional/slightly depressed or rather a lil more so then usual these days. I severely feel like I'm pushing the bf away and that is so very much the opposite of what I want. I just don't know how to fix the way I react to things. It's not like I have a shitty life. I mean it isn't ideal and well I have no social life now that I work, because I work 8am-12am on Sat and 8am-4pm on Sunday, and well sometimes living at home drives me up a wall, and I still don't really have any of my own friends in the area, but I just I dunno I just want everything to work out. So I'm trying to ride it out as good as possible. I guess all I can hope for is that I on't drive everyone away with my crazy...Easier said then done.