I know that when you hear someone say they got engaged you are supposed to be happy for them. Well mainly if they are your friend that's how you are supposed to react. And truth be told I am happy for them. I'm extremely happy...but I'm also kind of torn up inside. I'm so jealous and feeling cheated, I guess is the best way to explain it. I know that life bites you in the ass, it's always gonna have you fall when you think your up or shock you with something great when your down. That's just how life is. I get that. I get that my life is not at all anywhere near where I want it to be and I'm partially to blame. However I just feel so lost. So upset and conflicted. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to yell out to the universe why not me?? I realize this is a stupid thing to do.
I know why it's not me. I know I don't have a significant enough job to afford marriage. I know that the more my boyfriend finds himself stuck in the same job the less likely it is. I get that the more I mention marriage, and the more we fight about marriage, the more he's going to not want to marry me. I know that we have our issues in our relationship that we need to work through before we take that step. And I know that when we do take that step it's not going to come easy...hell if I've learned anything I've learned that relationships are damn near impossible.
Not to say that they are pointless or meaningless, just that a lot of work goes into them. Its a constant struggle but if you love that person with all of your heart then that struggle is totally worth it. But being on the immovable path we are currently on is starting to get to me. And it makes me wonder what have i been doing wrong all this time? Should I never had mentioned marriage at all? Should I have let him come up with the idea? But then technically he was the one who first brought it up.
But then should I have been saving up for this moment I've been waiting for? Should I have been sacking away all my cash in the event of this? Why does it seem so easy and so carefree for everyone else and for me all I can do is worry about when it'll happen and how it will all come together. Why is it that I can't simply be happy for my friend? Why do I have to be so sad for myself?
It's not as though we haven't spoken of it at all. I know his terms and I know his worries but does he even truly understand mine? Does he even realize what all this does to me? How stressed I am that I can't have what I want until it meets his standards? Until he is ready. I've been ready my entire life. Ready and waiting. Waiting on the universe, God, destiny, to cross my path with the right guy...honestly all my stressing makes me wonder if I did even find the right guy...
Whoa take a moment there I'm not saying I don't think the bf is the one. I do. I just wonder if maybe there were a more willing guy out there for me, someone who wants all the things I want. I wonder if there is a more take charge type of girl out there for him. One who wouldn't press the issue or even find a need to. One who wanted everything he wanted before he altered it all to please me. This is starting to sound pretty horrible. Probably because the longer I sit typing this the more I am in my head about it. And the more I'm in my head the more miserable I seem to feel about it. I'm going to go now before this gets any more depressed and twisted.
Bottom line: My friends announcing their engagement leaves me with mixed emotions I can not discuss with the boyfriend for fear of sounding needy or pushy. And it makes me want to scream, or cry, or both.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
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