Spiraling : A Tale of Impending Insanity

So Living in my house may very well kill me. Let me just paint you a pretty little picture of my living situation for you so you understand. I live in my Grandmother's three story house. My Gran has a room on the first floor but is in her late 80's so can't really care for herself anymore. That's where my aunt Maria comes in. She has a room on the second floor. My aunt Millie and her 30-something year old son live on the entirety of the third floor. My older sister, 26, Angie has her own room on the second floor as well, that she mainly uses for the un-needed and un-organized mash-up of comics, manga, movies, cds, shoes, bags and other various items. My mom and I share what is essentially two rooms but when split 3 ways is more like less then half of one. Why 3 you ask, well that is in fact where my sister stays as well. So that's my sis on a futon and my mother and I sharing a queen bed. When we first moved in it wasn't so horrible because my sister only *slept* in our room. Now she invades it, no overrules it. Then it wasn't so bad when I was away at school but I would get constant calls from the two of them where they treated me like I should be the oldest when I'm the baby. It used to be my family had a beautiful German Shepard named Diva, but when she passed I fought tooth and nail for a new pup, Shiloh. So now there's him as well.

So that's 6 females if you missed the calculations. SIX! FEMALES! living under one roof. Not the brightest of ideas. I feel like I'm in a prison cell. Of course my sister is not the most tidy so there's that...and she's now unemployed and ALWAYS in the room. So there's that as well. We're off to a Wedding this weekend and my mom doesn't have shoes so she's freaking about that and well I've been at the Boyfriends as often as possible. Mostly cuz I love him but also as means for escape...which of course leaves my dog not getting walked or fed so much by me as my mom. Which of course doesn't help her mood at all. Which believe me I understand and do not blame her for.

I don't regret getting Shi at all because well I don't really know how or who'd I be right now if he wasn't around to put me back together when I was unraveling at the seems a few years back. However now it's kinda a hassle because my mom is proven right. She said she'd end up looking after him more then us...and now she pretty much is.

It's not what I want. Believe me. I'd love to have my own apt and have Ryan come to my place to crash so I could take care of Shi. Or drag the pup to Staten Island with me when I go but I can't. It's not Ryan's place and hes kinda not a pet guy.

So there's the stress of that. The suffocation of my sister never leaving the room, my mom's unhappiness with me, disappointment in myself for not being more self sufficient and well the need to be with bf. Not to mention the lack of drivers license, social life, friends...it's seriously getting at me. It's driving me insane. I just can't wait to be out of this hell hole so I can love my family again whole-heartedly without wanting to smack someone.

Sidenote the Wedding I'm off to this weekend is my older cousin Amy's. I'm happy for her but not so excited to go to the wedding. I was just thinking of this currently and have come to the conclusion that the reason for this may very well be that I'm kinda just a little jealous.

Also my mom said she kinda blames me for my sisters unrulyness and messiness because I backed her up when I was like eighteen...Thanks mom.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't expected to be the glimmering example for my OLDER sister. End.