It's been a long September...A tale of desolation

I realize it's not at all even close to september...unless of course you are thinking in a backwards kind of motion. Then I guess it's closer in that respect then it in in the forward thinking aspect. Never the less it's how I feel. That kind of back to school feeling where you want it to still be summer but know you are destined for the long drawn out year to come.

I've kind of been a sand storm as of late. Just kind of blowing around and making a fuss. A ball of emotion thats forming and bursting on the regular. Two other couples I know got engaged. Two other barely even couples that don't seem like they should be in relationships let alone marriages have decided to tie the knot. I say this and you're probably sitting there thinking, What a bitch. But in all honesty I'm not being mean, just factual. I guess,though, I am acting petty for letting it get to me.

But honestly the recent influx in engagements have me in a kind of "I don't even want to bother getting engaged" sort of mood. I have had open discussions, arguments, fights and devoted whispers with the bf about it. And we both agree that it's not really in the stars any time soon. That thought gives me some pleasure. I don't know how excited I'd actually be about a proposal right now. In the middle of all these other people it just feels less special. All in all it's bought him some time at least. But really that's not the only thing that's been on my plate.

Work at the catering hall has been off and on because of a slow season. Work at the yard has gotten progressively more annoying since I had been spending much more time there. The bf and I have been good, then bad, then good again. Alot probably do to my crazy emotional sewage breaching the shores of my consciousness. Home life still sucks to the same extent as usual and there isn't even an escape at the bf's place because his brother is proving just as difficult for me to handle.

I don't know what has been up with me lately. Something is off. I feel it. There are often moments where all I want to do is cry and I can't even place why. Then quickly following those moments are extreme bouts of passion, love, desire for the bf and having a future, building a life with him that I often can't breathe. Gradually followed by numbing panics of thoughts from "I can't handle all this" to "How long can he actually love me." It's just seems like this scary roller coster ride I unwillingly got on thats getting higher and higher and all I can do is wait in fear for the drop back down.

It's terrifying, it's exhausting, it's taking a toll on me and I worry on the bf as well. I just really don't even have a clue where to begin to fix it all or at least set it all down in neat rows to deal with. It's setting out to be an emotionally taxing year. I can just feel it.