I know that when you hear someone say they got engaged you are supposed to be happy for them. Well mainly if they are your friend that's how you are supposed to react. And truth be told I am happy for them. I'm extremely happy...but I'm also kind of torn up inside. I'm so jealous and feeling cheated, I guess is the best way to explain it. I know that life bites you in the ass, it's always gonna have you fall when you think your up or shock you with something great when your down. That's just how life is. I get that. I get that my life is not at all anywhere near where I want it to be and I'm partially to blame. However I just feel so lost. So upset and conflicted. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to yell out to the universe why not me?? I realize this is a stupid thing to do.
I know why it's not me. I know I don't have a significant enough job to afford marriage. I know that the more my boyfriend finds himself stuck in the same job the less likely it is. I get that the more I mention marriage, and the more we fight about marriage, the more he's going to not want to marry me. I know that we have our issues in our relationship that we need to work through before we take that step. And I know that when we do take that step it's not going to come easy...hell if I've learned anything I've learned that relationships are damn near impossible.
Not to say that they are pointless or meaningless, just that a lot of work goes into them. Its a constant struggle but if you love that person with all of your heart then that struggle is totally worth it. But being on the immovable path we are currently on is starting to get to me. And it makes me wonder what have i been doing wrong all this time? Should I never had mentioned marriage at all? Should I have let him come up with the idea? But then technically he was the one who first brought it up.
But then should I have been saving up for this moment I've been waiting for? Should I have been sacking away all my cash in the event of this? Why does it seem so easy and so carefree for everyone else and for me all I can do is worry about when it'll happen and how it will all come together. Why is it that I can't simply be happy for my friend? Why do I have to be so sad for myself?
It's not as though we haven't spoken of it at all. I know his terms and I know his worries but does he even truly understand mine? Does he even realize what all this does to me? How stressed I am that I can't have what I want until it meets his standards? Until he is ready. I've been ready my entire life. Ready and waiting. Waiting on the universe, God, destiny, to cross my path with the right guy...honestly all my stressing makes me wonder if I did even find the right guy...
Whoa take a moment there I'm not saying I don't think the bf is the one. I do. I just wonder if maybe there were a more willing guy out there for me, someone who wants all the things I want. I wonder if there is a more take charge type of girl out there for him. One who wouldn't press the issue or even find a need to. One who wanted everything he wanted before he altered it all to please me. This is starting to sound pretty horrible. Probably because the longer I sit typing this the more I am in my head about it. And the more I'm in my head the more miserable I seem to feel about it. I'm going to go now before this gets any more depressed and twisted.
Bottom line: My friends announcing their engagement leaves me with mixed emotions I can not discuss with the boyfriend for fear of sounding needy or pushy. And it makes me want to scream, or cry, or both.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
When the Bullet Hits the Bone : A Tale of heartship
It's funny how you could know someone your whole life and not know them at all. My sister is 3 years older then me. She's stuck in life...but thats not at all what this is about. I'm 25, grew up with my sister every day of my life. She didn't go away to college, I did. So that was about the only real span of time we were away from one another. All those years and I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that I know absolutely nothing about her...well maybe nothing is too strong a word. I do know some things, what she's into, what she likes, about how much she spends, how much she lies. However when it comes to the important stuff she makes damn sure to keep me out of it. I don't know if she's had a boyfriend ever, or a girlfriend for that matter. Don't know what she wants in life, what she aspires to be. I don't know her friends, don't know what she does when she leaves the house. Her life is a mystery to me. Her true person a locked box I don't have the key to. She tells my 19 year old cousin more about herself then she does me. It's funny because as a younger sibling you are supposed to admire your older sibling and me? I can't help but want to be anything but her. She doesn't respect me as a sister, barely wants me as one.
We got into the most intense fight ever tonight. I poured my heart out to her...and want to know her response? She corrected me in my argumentative skills. And i'm sure if she were reading this she'd have tons to say about my grammar and spelling. Gotta love it. I'm just done.
I'm giving up on caring because she obviously doesn't give a damn. So, why should I?
We got into the most intense fight ever tonight. I poured my heart out to her...and want to know her response? She corrected me in my argumentative skills. And i'm sure if she were reading this she'd have tons to say about my grammar and spelling. Gotta love it. I'm just done.
I'm giving up on caring because she obviously doesn't give a damn. So, why should I?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night : A Tale of Love and Flight
At the end of this month, August 30th, the bf and I will hit our three year mark. Honestly I can't believe it. If you would have approached me in High school and told me that I would find a man who would love me whole-heartedly for who I am, flaws and all, someone I could be goofy around who would still always find me sexy not just cute, someone I would love so very much that I'd reach a point where my heart would actually yearn for him whenever he wasn't around, I would have figured you were mental. Never the less that is exactly the case here. We have had our issues and our fights but through it all we have stuck together, hashing it all out and working through to patch things that needed fixing or alter things that needed changing. We have stood side by side knowing in our hearts that the only one we truly wanted to be with was one another. This man is the one I choose and will always choose to be with, to grow with, to love for eternity. I can honestly say I have never been in love with anyone the way I am with the bf.
He is my heart and soul. My rock. He keeps me sane and is quite a saint for being able to tolerate me and my antics. He is the only one I wish to spend my life with. I used to have a saying, "You won't feel the other half of my heartbeat. I'm incomplete." I can finally say I have found the one who negates that. Who complements me, who makes me better and stronger. He makes me want to be a better person, to accomplish all I can. He inspires me and fills me with passion.
I love him more then I could ever put into words. I find myself wishing to start our future together but I can't help but want to slow the present so it can continue this way. Every moment I spend with him making every moment previous more precious. I love him so very much and though I find it hard to articulate quite the extent of it I will say this, He makes me truly happy.
He is my heart and soul. My rock. He keeps me sane and is quite a saint for being able to tolerate me and my antics. He is the only one I wish to spend my life with. I used to have a saying, "You won't feel the other half of my heartbeat. I'm incomplete." I can finally say I have found the one who negates that. Who complements me, who makes me better and stronger. He makes me want to be a better person, to accomplish all I can. He inspires me and fills me with passion.
I love him more then I could ever put into words. I find myself wishing to start our future together but I can't help but want to slow the present so it can continue this way. Every moment I spend with him making every moment previous more precious. I love him so very much and though I find it hard to articulate quite the extent of it I will say this, He makes me truly happy.
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." Emily Bronte
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Ultimate Betrayal : A tale of regret and turmoil
I recently hurt one of the most important people in my life. I admitted to a betrayal I committed which was one of the most bitter I can imagine. I was stuck in a brutal dispute with myself between speaking of it or never letting it pass my lips. I can't explain the selfish reason why I brought it up. I honestly haven't figured it out myself. I believe it was a mix of anger, jealousy, insecurity, and desperation for desire that made me do it in the first place so perhaps it was a mixture of fear, guilt and the need to truly be truthful that made me let it loose. I understand now that it was both a good and bad thing to do. I was able to admit to a abomination of my character which was freeing and slightly empowering in the way of admitting I have a problem. However it was horrible how I disappointed the one I love. Also knowing that I changed their view of me hurt. But mostly what was the most unbearable of all is knowing that in doing what I did I hurt them and altered their world.
It hit me after admitting it that this was the moment, the moment where I lose everything important in my life because I couldn't handle not saying so any longer, because I did what I did in the first place. In that moment I felt lost, I felt defeated, I felt disgusted with myself. I saw my world cycling down into a dark vortex and I knew that it was of my own volition, my own doing. I knew that I had not a person to blame other then myself. I had done this injustice, I had been the betrayer, the causer of pain. I was no longer the victim and as much as I was hurting I knew that I would do whatever was needed to fix it...including taking a step back and disappearing out of the picture if need be.
In my desperation to make things right for the one I hurt I was even willing to take all the blame, to be hated, so that if anything I could at least relieve the pain on their end. That plan did not work of course but I had to try. I don't wish to say things are better since this admission occurred because honestly things weren't horrible to begin with. However my insecurity has diminished which I understand does not make any sense to you whatsoever and indeed makes me sound heartless.
However I also find now I am in a state of perpetual fear that one day, soon, out of the blue, when I have settled into the feeling that things are well, that the bottom will drop out. That I'll just be told that things haven't been working and we need to go our separate ways. Not that I'm deluding myself into a false belief that all is well and forgiven. Nor that everything we've spoken of is on the same track as before. Every breath I breathe is drenched with remorse. I find myself in a constant state of wanting to cry or hurt myself as punishment. I find myself swelling with depression and anger for what I've done, what I've become.
I don't allow myself these thoughts or feelings though when the one I've hurt is around. It is unfair to them to see my turmoil, it is to them I am currently indebted. Also as selfish as it is I want to enjoy every moment with them I am allotted. I want to hold every one and cherish it so if the day come when the turn around does happen I have good memories to pull me through the dark that will inevitably follow.
The one I hurt and myself have spoken about the details of the betrayal and though they have yet to truly forgive me, and I have a long road to try and earn even a smidgeon of their trust back, they are willing to try and work through it beside me. I love this person with every fiber of my being and I am willing to do whatever is needed to make things right.
...Even if that means walking away...
It hit me after admitting it that this was the moment, the moment where I lose everything important in my life because I couldn't handle not saying so any longer, because I did what I did in the first place. In that moment I felt lost, I felt defeated, I felt disgusted with myself. I saw my world cycling down into a dark vortex and I knew that it was of my own volition, my own doing. I knew that I had not a person to blame other then myself. I had done this injustice, I had been the betrayer, the causer of pain. I was no longer the victim and as much as I was hurting I knew that I would do whatever was needed to fix it...including taking a step back and disappearing out of the picture if need be.
In my desperation to make things right for the one I hurt I was even willing to take all the blame, to be hated, so that if anything I could at least relieve the pain on their end. That plan did not work of course but I had to try. I don't wish to say things are better since this admission occurred because honestly things weren't horrible to begin with. However my insecurity has diminished which I understand does not make any sense to you whatsoever and indeed makes me sound heartless.
However I also find now I am in a state of perpetual fear that one day, soon, out of the blue, when I have settled into the feeling that things are well, that the bottom will drop out. That I'll just be told that things haven't been working and we need to go our separate ways. Not that I'm deluding myself into a false belief that all is well and forgiven. Nor that everything we've spoken of is on the same track as before. Every breath I breathe is drenched with remorse. I find myself in a constant state of wanting to cry or hurt myself as punishment. I find myself swelling with depression and anger for what I've done, what I've become.
I don't allow myself these thoughts or feelings though when the one I've hurt is around. It is unfair to them to see my turmoil, it is to them I am currently indebted. Also as selfish as it is I want to enjoy every moment with them I am allotted. I want to hold every one and cherish it so if the day come when the turn around does happen I have good memories to pull me through the dark that will inevitably follow.
The one I hurt and myself have spoken about the details of the betrayal and though they have yet to truly forgive me, and I have a long road to try and earn even a smidgeon of their trust back, they are willing to try and work through it beside me. I love this person with every fiber of my being and I am willing to do whatever is needed to make things right.
...Even if that means walking away...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
An Air of change : A Tale of new Opportunity and Maturity coupled with crippling fear
So I have recently become employed again, in my chosen career path, that is. I managed to gain access to a group of wonderfully talented people at a Catering hall in the city. Great atmosphere, good pay. I'm still working at the yard doing the security thing part-time but this job takes all the things I have learned over those four lovingly expensive and exciting years of college and actually puts them to use.
I'm working three days a week at this new job, seven hour days. This is not an issue. Of course getting to work is always a battle but being at work is actually quite pleasurable. The only thing is that these three extra days of work are flipping my world on it's axis.
I was never one to deal with change well. I get flustered, stressed, out of sorts. I never quite understand how others do it. How does one handle work, family, friends, lovers, life. How do you juggle all these different aspects into one cohesive string. I always feel as if I'm missing something. I either feel I am not spending enough time with others or by myself or doing things I enjoy, I feel as though I'm dropping some ball or another.
I feel lost and when I feel lost all I want to do is curl into a ball under the covers, shut my eyes tight and let the days pass me by. Immature I'm aware. I don't know, there's just a part of me that wishes there was some kind of manual. Some kind of written work to tell me what it is I should or need to be doing. Or a part of me that wishes I could get a sight into my future, just a glimpse, to make sure that I don't screw it up somehow. To be certain that what I'm doing and how is not wrong. That I am indeed following the right path and that one day I do have it all figured out.
I know everyone is working to get there ducks in a row. That's just how life works. I just wish I knew the pattern they end up resembling that way I could enjoy all the stuff in between without worry. I'm aware that one day I'm going to need to be a grown up and deal with stressful things at the drop of a hat...i just worry I'm never going to learn the skill needed to accomplish this...
I'm working three days a week at this new job, seven hour days. This is not an issue. Of course getting to work is always a battle but being at work is actually quite pleasurable. The only thing is that these three extra days of work are flipping my world on it's axis.
I was never one to deal with change well. I get flustered, stressed, out of sorts. I never quite understand how others do it. How does one handle work, family, friends, lovers, life. How do you juggle all these different aspects into one cohesive string. I always feel as if I'm missing something. I either feel I am not spending enough time with others or by myself or doing things I enjoy, I feel as though I'm dropping some ball or another.
I feel lost and when I feel lost all I want to do is curl into a ball under the covers, shut my eyes tight and let the days pass me by. Immature I'm aware. I don't know, there's just a part of me that wishes there was some kind of manual. Some kind of written work to tell me what it is I should or need to be doing. Or a part of me that wishes I could get a sight into my future, just a glimpse, to make sure that I don't screw it up somehow. To be certain that what I'm doing and how is not wrong. That I am indeed following the right path and that one day I do have it all figured out.
I know everyone is working to get there ducks in a row. That's just how life works. I just wish I knew the pattern they end up resembling that way I could enjoy all the stuff in between without worry. I'm aware that one day I'm going to need to be a grown up and deal with stressful things at the drop of a hat...i just worry I'm never going to learn the skill needed to accomplish this...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I'm no Beauty Queen, I'm just Beautiful Me : A Tale of Attempted Acceptance
Selena Gomez has this new song called Who Says. Yes I do very much enjoy Selena Gomez, acting, singing, otherwise. Every time I hear this song I want to cry. She sings "Who says you're not perfect, who says you're not worth it, who says you're the only one that's hurting."
And all I can think is well me. I'm the one who takes all the crap I heard in my past and tells myself I'm not worth it, I'm not attractive, I don't deserve things. I don't feel I have anything to offer quite frankly and I'm sick and tired of thinking like that.
I don't even believe the Boyfriend when he says I'm beautiful, he loves me, he'll never leave me. I'm always waiting for the better thing to walk in front of him and take him away.
That's no way to think. It makes me nervous whenever he's with other girls, makes me doubt our relationship, keeps me down and I hate it. I want to say that I wish I was no one else. That I absolutely love me for me exactly as I am, flaws and all.
If the bf can love me despite and because of all of that why can't I? I want to do everything and anything in my power to make me feel better in my own skin. Honestly if I keep this up I'll only manage to push him away. I have to trust that I'm worth it because to me, he's beyond worth it.
And all I can think is well me. I'm the one who takes all the crap I heard in my past and tells myself I'm not worth it, I'm not attractive, I don't deserve things. I don't feel I have anything to offer quite frankly and I'm sick and tired of thinking like that.
I don't even believe the Boyfriend when he says I'm beautiful, he loves me, he'll never leave me. I'm always waiting for the better thing to walk in front of him and take him away.
That's no way to think. It makes me nervous whenever he's with other girls, makes me doubt our relationship, keeps me down and I hate it. I want to say that I wish I was no one else. That I absolutely love me for me exactly as I am, flaws and all.
If the bf can love me despite and because of all of that why can't I? I want to do everything and anything in my power to make me feel better in my own skin. Honestly if I keep this up I'll only manage to push him away. I have to trust that I'm worth it because to me, he's beyond worth it.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Story of Agony : A Tale at how much I suck at these sort of things...
So yet again I succeed at failing to keep up with something. Surprise, surprise. I always have the best intentions, don't get me wrong, I just tend to lack follow through...well at least over a long period of time. So what has been up with my life? New job? Not quite. New living situation...not exactly. New outlook on my standpoint in life, definitely not.
What can I say I'm a slave to unhappiness. Well that's not quite accurate I'm not miserable. I have my moments believe me, but all in all life is going pretty good. The boyfriend and I are still together, my family is still great even if consisting to be occasionally a little more then I can handle. My pup is doing fashionably. And what does that even mean actually? A distinctive or peculiar and often habitual manner or way? Seriously? Okay well that fits I guess. I tend to take freedom with the misuse of wordage. Anyway all in all things are basically on the up and up.
Does that make me any more of a competent or confident person? Ab-so-friggen-lutely not. I hate the fact that I have no belief in myself, no well love I guess for who I am or rather who i've grown to be. I don't know what it is. Anytime I think something positive about myself or the boyfriend compliments me all I can do is look for the bottom. Maybe it's years of teasing...or perhaps maybe it's more ingrained then that. Maybe I was born this way. Maybe this is the crack in my mold, my biggest flaw. The inability to ever be truly comfortable in my position in anything.
The Boyfriend has friends who are girls. These girls have homes. They hang out...alone...I shouldn't worry or care...and yet I can't help but do just that. Why can't he be one of those stupid guys with distasteful guy friends I can't stand. That at least would be easier to deal with emotionally. I'm ridiculous I'm aware. Totally incapable of being confident with myself and my ability to keep him around. How the hell could I sustain him?
I guess the issue stems from my view of myself. For some reason I can never be happy with anything having to do with me. There is always something that needs to be fixed or altered. If I just act how they want me to, smile when everyone looks, swallow the frog in my throat, laugh when all I want to do is cry, if I just do all these things then maybe they'll like me. Then maybe he'll love me. Then maybe he'll stick around.
I'm such an idiot. I'm this stupid person who needs a broken boy drunkenly professing his dying need for me to be in his life to feel confident. To not be jealous of girls in he associates with. That's not a relationship. I know my ex and I were screwed up. Imperfect. I know our relationship was unhealthy. So why is it that now I'm in a healthy and truly loving, mature relationship and all I wanna do is scream out "Aren't I enough!?!" I know I mean as much to bf as he does to me. So why is it that every time he tells me he's alone in a house with a girl my heart sinks in my chest.
I think a piece of me is always waiting for the letdown. The let go. It's inevitable right? I mean it happened to my mom why couldn't it happen to me?
I know it's not the same situation. I know that the bf loves me. I'm not being stupid, not letting my guard down. I'm not going to get one pulled over my head. But I know how much I mean to him. I know he'd be hurt if he lost me. So why is it I can't think of this when his lips utter those words, "I was at whoever's house hanging out". I should be fine with it. He's with me.
But it's not just that, I can't believe I can succeed in a job, or in life in general and every time I think of everything weighing down my chest I want to just give it all up. I don't because I know that would be stupid but I can't help but wonder if the world would be better off without my insecurity, my drama.
Now don't take this the wrong way. This isn't an "I'm thinking of offing myself" type blog. Merely a "wish I could sail away and start over on some far off island in the sun" type blog. Or more so a "wish I could see what exactly goes on behind my back" blog like a "how do people really feel about me" sort of thing. Or even a "wish I was stronger and loved who I was inside and out and could be utterly confident" type thing...
Anyway I'm starting to blather. Sorry. Anyway I want to keep up with this thing...maybe taking it in a different direction would be something to consider.
What can I say I'm a slave to unhappiness. Well that's not quite accurate I'm not miserable. I have my moments believe me, but all in all life is going pretty good. The boyfriend and I are still together, my family is still great even if consisting to be occasionally a little more then I can handle. My pup is doing fashionably. And what does that even mean actually? A distinctive or peculiar and often habitual manner or way? Seriously? Okay well that fits I guess. I tend to take freedom with the misuse of wordage. Anyway all in all things are basically on the up and up.
Does that make me any more of a competent or confident person? Ab-so-friggen-lutely not. I hate the fact that I have no belief in myself, no well love I guess for who I am or rather who i've grown to be. I don't know what it is. Anytime I think something positive about myself or the boyfriend compliments me all I can do is look for the bottom. Maybe it's years of teasing...or perhaps maybe it's more ingrained then that. Maybe I was born this way. Maybe this is the crack in my mold, my biggest flaw. The inability to ever be truly comfortable in my position in anything.
The Boyfriend has friends who are girls. These girls have homes. They hang out...alone...I shouldn't worry or care...and yet I can't help but do just that. Why can't he be one of those stupid guys with distasteful guy friends I can't stand. That at least would be easier to deal with emotionally. I'm ridiculous I'm aware. Totally incapable of being confident with myself and my ability to keep him around. How the hell could I sustain him?
I guess the issue stems from my view of myself. For some reason I can never be happy with anything having to do with me. There is always something that needs to be fixed or altered. If I just act how they want me to, smile when everyone looks, swallow the frog in my throat, laugh when all I want to do is cry, if I just do all these things then maybe they'll like me. Then maybe he'll love me. Then maybe he'll stick around.
I'm such an idiot. I'm this stupid person who needs a broken boy drunkenly professing his dying need for me to be in his life to feel confident. To not be jealous of girls in he associates with. That's not a relationship. I know my ex and I were screwed up. Imperfect. I know our relationship was unhealthy. So why is it that now I'm in a healthy and truly loving, mature relationship and all I wanna do is scream out "Aren't I enough!?!" I know I mean as much to bf as he does to me. So why is it that every time he tells me he's alone in a house with a girl my heart sinks in my chest.
I think a piece of me is always waiting for the letdown. The let go. It's inevitable right? I mean it happened to my mom why couldn't it happen to me?
I know it's not the same situation. I know that the bf loves me. I'm not being stupid, not letting my guard down. I'm not going to get one pulled over my head. But I know how much I mean to him. I know he'd be hurt if he lost me. So why is it I can't think of this when his lips utter those words, "I was at whoever's house hanging out". I should be fine with it. He's with me.
But it's not just that, I can't believe I can succeed in a job, or in life in general and every time I think of everything weighing down my chest I want to just give it all up. I don't because I know that would be stupid but I can't help but wonder if the world would be better off without my insecurity, my drama.
Now don't take this the wrong way. This isn't an "I'm thinking of offing myself" type blog. Merely a "wish I could sail away and start over on some far off island in the sun" type blog. Or more so a "wish I could see what exactly goes on behind my back" blog like a "how do people really feel about me" sort of thing. Or even a "wish I was stronger and loved who I was inside and out and could be utterly confident" type thing...
Anyway I'm starting to blather. Sorry. Anyway I want to keep up with this thing...maybe taking it in a different direction would be something to consider.
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