It's a Bloody Nightmare : A Tale of Defeat and Deception

About a week. That's how long my Job lasted. I was overwhelmed, I was pathetic, I wasn't ready. I was also put in a position of having to make a serious life choice, Baker or Pastry Chef?

You are probably wondering what the difference is...that is if your even bothering to read this. Well let me explain.

A baker is someone who actually makes product. They get flour and batter all over themselves. Smudge their glasses or clothes with chocolate. They are the front line of the war. The Pastry chef? Well that's the finisher. He makes the pretty as my friend puts it. He never really makes the product but he uses his artistic abilities to take what he is given to a much higher level. So I was put in the position to decide if I wanted the thousands of dollars my mother and father put into schooling to go to me on the starting line or me dipping donuts and making ice cream cake...

I know. Right now you are thinking, -- Idiot, what the hell does it matter? It was a job. It was money. It was a cake walk. --

But I'm not the type of person that finds money important. I mean of course it is important, but to me, the happiness at a job is more important and to me I wouldn't have enjoyed this job. There was no challenge in it, it was getting far to large and out of hand and to be quite honest with you, I didn't want to put all the work into a starting business that I really had no desire for. Because if I'm being truthful with myself I wasn't committed to the job at all. Yeah, it was a great opportunity, good money and well...a job, but that wasn't the reason I should have jumped at it. I should have taken a step back and really thought about what I would be doing. Which is exactly what I did...perhaps a tad too late but in my opinion thankfully not late enough to be stuck. Because the designs were still mine, my life was still mine, my opinions, which were basically going unheard, were still mine. I hadn't signed myself away yet. Sure I worked 3 and a half days that I didn't have to. And sure I'll probably get no money for it. But in the long run it was the best thing I could do. The best thing for myself and the best thing for the guys I would have been screwing over had I decided to leave after the place opened.

So...Post grad and jobless once again. Gratefully my mother is on my side. She supports me and has my back, and as much as no one will believe it, I think shes happier I didn't take the job. She knows me, and she knows the tears I shed for this job that were totally unnecessary. My bf on the other hand...well he had a harder time taking the news. Which is understandable since he was the one who sorta got me the job. So he felt that I made an ass out of him. Which I guess essentially I did. Which totally sucks. It hurt me to turn down the job because I knew I would be letting him down in a way or two. Disappointing yet again. Disappointing him, disappointing his family...but I did think about it. I did run it through my head and friends and family and took everything and soaked in it. In the end though I had to do what was in my best interest. For my sanity, which in essence effects his sanity and my families sanity.

I do feel horrible about it though.

God, so very horrible. For many different reasons. However I don't regret my decision...if I regret anything in fact it is my initial decision. Me saying yes to the job in the first place. I could have turned it down. I could have assessed the situation better or asked for a better explanation of my title and what would be expected of me. Then maybe I would have known earlier and not hurt anyone...

Life sucks in that way. How in every action there is a reaction. How every thing has a consequence. Every decision you make, a result. How even the smallest can effect things in the largest ways. I feel really bad now and I was going to say I can't explain it, but I can.

I feel horrible for the people who love me, who care for me, who support me, who are carrying me and how not having a job effects them. I feel bad that my decisions affect them largely. But this job I turned down wasn't one I could hold till I found a new one. It wasn't a whatever gig. It was a commitment thing and I just couldn't give it the commitment it required or the guys starting it desired.

To me what I did was the lesser of two evils. Now though I need to find some kind of filler job and quick. I can't keep living my life they way I am. I need to support myself or i'll end up stuck in a much deeper rut with a much worse end note.

So I leave you with these two quotes I find to be fitting for the matter.

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Maureen Dowd

and

"A thousand things advance; nine hundred and ninety-nine retreat; that is progress." - Henri Frederic Amiel

From Nothing to Consumtion : A Tale of Struggle

So I finally did it. Through a round about loopy game of who's who and who said I scored a job. The problem? I went from having nothing to do to being consumed by a job. Funny thing? I haven't technically even started yet. I was chosen to be the Head Pastry Chef to a Donuts and icecream shop that is gonna be opening in NYC. I'm in charge of figuring out the flavors and names of the donuts. I also have to come up with an ingredient list as well as a supply list. I'm gonna be in charge of the decorating and training and management for anything pertaining to the donuts. I'm working with two gentlemen one of which hasn't even finished his course or graduated yet. He's gonna be the manager for the store, the employees and the icecream side of it all.

And I find myself scared out of my wits, lemme tell you. It's an awesome opportunity for me which is why I couldn't find a reason to turn it down. However I'm so very nervous of screwing up, failing and being, for yet another time, a disappointment to someone. I keep getting asked all these questions that I find I can not answer. I find myself just trying my hardest to keep up with it all without curling into a ball and crying my eyes out.

I'm going to be working 4pm-12pm today, tomorrow and Thursday at the Ice cream shop that is the provider of the ice cream we are going to be selling. It is going to be for me a type of 'training' for the store we are opening in the event that I ever have to assist with the front. Which will be more then likely at the start up. The store front isn't even set yet, I haven't officially signed any paperwork at all however I have a key which is pretty awesome.

But somehow I still keep waiting for everything to fall out from under me, you know? And I realized and began worrying that now that the balls started rolling I'm going to miss out on everything, Holidays, birthdays and family gatherings. Abtaining a license which I have failed at twice already and just life in general.

I'm most likely gonna be working 7 days a week to start when we do inevitably open which is somewhere round Nov 15 if everything goes as plan. I'm totally freaking out. I find myself yearning for college again. For classes and parties and drinking and not having to think about salaries and opening a shop and failing everyone, myself included. I just wish we had taken a class to help us prepare with growing up and handling things. Though I'm sure we probably would have thought it was boring, talked throughout it and went drinking after.

I feel like things are falling apart in my life and all I can do is work my hardest at just holding it all together like a fricken balancing act. I want this job...I do. I don't however want to lose myself, the ones I love, or my life in the process.