Since I graduated I don't feel like my life is moving forward. I feel like i'm stuck in the mud. If anything I feel like I'm rolling backwards. Away at school I had friends, I had a life, I had things to do and people to see. Parties, school, random drives and walks, stuff that took up my time even if it was nothing at all. Living away from home was freeing it was like floating. And now I'm grounded. How appropriate. I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough to live but according to health plus pays me too much for their help. I live at home and, when I'm around, my family drives me up a wall but when I'm not they make me feel guilty for how much time I spend away. I have no friends in the vicinity and the few ones I do have I can't hang out with because they only have time during the weekend which is the only time I do work. I'm up to my ears in loans and I feel like whatever money I do have leaves my hands in seconds. I have all these ideas for using my money or saving up for various things and wonder if I'll ever make enough to accomplish them. I feel utterly disgustingly fat even though I know i'm not that bad but gyms cost money and take up time. I have to go to Dr's for annual visits but don't have insurance to cover any of it which means it comes out of my moms pockets and I feel horrible for putting her out. My boyfriend makes me happy but then there are times where even he can't help me.
When I was young I was pretty much always depressed. In College, sophomore year and the year that followed I thought it might swallow me. Then things started looking up and I was back at school and I had amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend, was passing my classes and was generally enjoying life. Now that I'm back home I feel lost again. It's utterly pathetic too because I find myself at times jealous of my own boyfriend. He has friends and a social life, a job that pays him a hell of alot more then me and he buys what he wants when he wants it. I covet that. When he says he has plans or is going out I get hurt that I can't come too and that's just sad. The few guy friends I have left I don't really trust being alone with because I feel they will make a pass at me and it annoys me when they do so. And the one friend I hang with all the time has a baby, lives with her mom and unfortunately is currently unemployed and I even find myself jealous of her.
It's ridiculous and I don't know how to fix it all. Which makes me feel even worse when Ryan tries to cheer me up or fix it because it's currently unfix-able and unavoidable. There is no explaining it, it's a hole, no rhyme or reason, no way to fill it. It just is. I find myself walking around depressed quite often and worrying and crying and it annoys me. Then I get annoyed at being so annoying because I don't want to scare Ryan off or push him away. Then I also think back on how good of a relationship we had when I was away. How balanced it was and how little we fought and how passionate and alive it all was. And that annoys me. And now it all feels like everything in falling downhill and I don't know how to keep it all above water.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Men vs. Women : The Never Ending Battle and Facebooks Leading Role
So there has always been this battle between Men and Women. What is allowed, what is acceptable, what is crazy, what is stupid. It's like a long, long lists of DO's and DO NOT's. And in today's world with all the new technology it just seems to be getting worse. Guys are worried about girls fishing through e-mail or cellphones. Letting that crazy streak out.
However the worst piece of technology I have found in the equation would have to be Facebook. In the past, before Facebook and Myspace, guy's relationships with friends, girl and guy alike has been a semblance of mystery to women. We only knew what we were allowed to know. The cheating bf's never got caught, the flirting bf's never got caught and even the best of the best never gave a women cause to outright worry or get annoyed.
Nowadays everything is pasted in front of our eyes. True colors are shown, true spirits laid out in front of you. I was messing about on the web of facebook friends and newsfeeds and I came across some comments my bf put on some of his friends photos. His FEMALE friends.
Then another day I come across photos, that while innocent, make me want to puke. And well I know that that is stupid and petty and all manners and forms of dumb. Because well he is with me, he loves me, so what should it matter right?
But it does matter. It's stupid but it weasels it's way into your heart this sort of mix between anger and jealousy and just *hurt*. Which is ridiculous. He is a great boyfriend. He's truthful with me and forthcoming. He doesn't pretend to be anyone or anything else. He is who he is and what he does or says behind my back is the same stuff he does or says to my face. And I love him for that. But as much as it makes me happy that our relationship is no holds barred (what does that even truly mean?) it also hurts me. I get all the best and all the worst like it or not.
To show you just how amazing and truthful he is I'll let you in on a tibit. He goes out with a group of friends, mixed company and a picture is taken. Before the person who took the picture even has the time to consider putting it up on facebook he tells me about it. He says it's completely innocent but might not appear that way and wanted to tell me before I saw it. So of course I picture this horribly inappropriate picture that will make me want to pull my eyes out. I'm stalkin the girls FB everyday to see if she put it up. After days of not seeing it and driving myself crazy, her, another friend and I go out for drinks and I ask to see it. She says she's glad he told me and when I see it, it's absolutely not inappropriate at all. I blew the entire thing out of proportion in my head worrying an it was nothing. I felt stupid. Relieved but ridiculous.
So today seeing those pictures as much as they bother me I know they mean nothing and I'm overreacting. However I can't seem to help feeling the way I do. It annoys me that I feel the way I do and I react the way I do. The pictures just make me so insecure and uncomfortable.
That reason is exactly why I sometimes think that people who are dating shouldn't be friends on myspace or facebook, hell even twitter. There are just times where things can be taken the wrong way or create uncomfortable situations because of stupidity. What happened to the good old days when he would flirt with his friends, you would flirt with your friends and none was the wiser?
There are many a moment I wish we could return to that time. Because as much as I love the bf and know he's in love with me and is with me because he wants to be and because he wants no other but me...I still manage to want to scream/jump out a window/throw a fit when I see some of the pictures, comments, etc on FB.
Here's to being better then FB and not letting it or my stupid unruly emotions break me.
However the worst piece of technology I have found in the equation would have to be Facebook. In the past, before Facebook and Myspace, guy's relationships with friends, girl and guy alike has been a semblance of mystery to women. We only knew what we were allowed to know. The cheating bf's never got caught, the flirting bf's never got caught and even the best of the best never gave a women cause to outright worry or get annoyed.
Nowadays everything is pasted in front of our eyes. True colors are shown, true spirits laid out in front of you. I was messing about on the web of facebook friends and newsfeeds and I came across some comments my bf put on some of his friends photos. His FEMALE friends.
Then another day I come across photos, that while innocent, make me want to puke. And well I know that that is stupid and petty and all manners and forms of dumb. Because well he is with me, he loves me, so what should it matter right?
But it does matter. It's stupid but it weasels it's way into your heart this sort of mix between anger and jealousy and just *hurt*. Which is ridiculous. He is a great boyfriend. He's truthful with me and forthcoming. He doesn't pretend to be anyone or anything else. He is who he is and what he does or says behind my back is the same stuff he does or says to my face. And I love him for that. But as much as it makes me happy that our relationship is no holds barred (what does that even truly mean?) it also hurts me. I get all the best and all the worst like it or not.
To show you just how amazing and truthful he is I'll let you in on a tibit. He goes out with a group of friends, mixed company and a picture is taken. Before the person who took the picture even has the time to consider putting it up on facebook he tells me about it. He says it's completely innocent but might not appear that way and wanted to tell me before I saw it. So of course I picture this horribly inappropriate picture that will make me want to pull my eyes out. I'm stalkin the girls FB everyday to see if she put it up. After days of not seeing it and driving myself crazy, her, another friend and I go out for drinks and I ask to see it. She says she's glad he told me and when I see it, it's absolutely not inappropriate at all. I blew the entire thing out of proportion in my head worrying an it was nothing. I felt stupid. Relieved but ridiculous.
So today seeing those pictures as much as they bother me I know they mean nothing and I'm overreacting. However I can't seem to help feeling the way I do. It annoys me that I feel the way I do and I react the way I do. The pictures just make me so insecure and uncomfortable.
That reason is exactly why I sometimes think that people who are dating shouldn't be friends on myspace or facebook, hell even twitter. There are just times where things can be taken the wrong way or create uncomfortable situations because of stupidity. What happened to the good old days when he would flirt with his friends, you would flirt with your friends and none was the wiser?
There are many a moment I wish we could return to that time. Because as much as I love the bf and know he's in love with me and is with me because he wants to be and because he wants no other but me...I still manage to want to scream/jump out a window/throw a fit when I see some of the pictures, comments, etc on FB.
Here's to being better then FB and not letting it or my stupid unruly emotions break me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Emotions Run High : A Tale of Hindered Self-Control, A Day of Laundry and Jennifer's Body
So today was a fun filled day for me...well sorta, kinda. This morning the Boyfriend picked me and my laundry up from my house. Because well he's awesome like that. I was pretty darn happy when he called this morning. Then of course, we got into it. It really hurts when someone says 'This was a mistake I shouldn't have picked you up today.' So of course I head to the basement to do my laundry and well...cry. But then he comes down and tries to make me laugh and holds me and apologizes. And everything just feels so much better when he's holding me. And the rest of the day goes smoothly. Kissing and cuddling on the couch, ordering Jennifer's body On Demand (awesome movie go watch it), eating left over Pizza hut and mac & cheese. Then he has work and he drops me off and even home is quite nice.
I notice the Challah I made yesturday is practically gone. (Which was amazing and only possible because my awesome boyfriend got me a breadmaker for christmas) So I decide to make some more...and somehow manage to screw up the dough. But it bakes okay enough. Watching a new an exciting episode of Mercy and the bf calls.
So he asks me what I'm doing. 'Watching Mercy.' I say and he asks 'By yourself or wit the fam?'
'Wit the fam.' I answer and he responds 'Oh well I just wanted to call and say Hi. I'll let you get back.' I say, 'Okay I'll call you after. I love you.' He says 'Love you' and we hang up.
Now there is nothing wrong with this call. This is one of those calls I want to drop everything for. But I was really into the show and just wanted to finish watching it...I don't think that makes me a horrible person.
Mercy ends and I call him...his VM picks up. I hang up and repeat only yet again to get his VM...Then I text. 'Hey you.' to which I still get no response.
I know it's dumb to care because well his phone could've died or something. But like really? It just urks me a bit I guess. I'm weirdly programed.
Like for instance if we have a fight even if I'm super pissed at him I usually beat myself up over it. I feel somehow like he'll break up with me or hate me or something.
And every time I miss his call or something I apologize and give my reason for missing it. When he misses my call he usually doesn't give a reason and never really apologizes. I'm aware his reaction is the appropriate one. And I'm aware I'm totally wacky for feeling like the world is going to end over every little thing...but I just can't help it.
I should have really probably gone to a therapist by now after my first ever bf broke up with me when I was 18 and I broke apart. Or even when I was younger because I tended to be pretty depressed most of my life. But whatever. Too late now I guess. Or never to late perhaps.
Anyway the bread came out tasting really well. My sister bought me a really pretty nail polish! It's a very pretty blue. And well I know he still loves me. Phonecall or not.
In the Job front I scored a part-time from the bf at his job. Which thankfully means I can pay for things, buy what I want, and begin paying off all my debt. Unfortunately it also means according to the Health Insurance company I make too much money to qualify. Great!
The President really needs to get on some kinda Health Plan for College Graduates right after graduation up until you land your first good job. Or at least the first like 5-10 years after college. This really sucks. Healthcare is so damn pricey.
In other news, still no license unfortunately and I've been super moody/emotional/slightly depressed or rather a lil more so then usual these days. I severely feel like I'm pushing the bf away and that is so very much the opposite of what I want. I just don't know how to fix the way I react to things. It's not like I have a shitty life. I mean it isn't ideal and well I have no social life now that I work, because I work 8am-12am on Sat and 8am-4pm on Sunday, and well sometimes living at home drives me up a wall, and I still don't really have any of my own friends in the area, but I just I dunno I just want everything to work out. So I'm trying to ride it out as good as possible. I guess all I can hope for is that I on't drive everyone away with my crazy...Easier said then done.
I notice the Challah I made yesturday is practically gone. (Which was amazing and only possible because my awesome boyfriend got me a breadmaker for christmas) So I decide to make some more...and somehow manage to screw up the dough. But it bakes okay enough. Watching a new an exciting episode of Mercy and the bf calls.
So he asks me what I'm doing. 'Watching Mercy.' I say and he asks 'By yourself or wit the fam?'
'Wit the fam.' I answer and he responds 'Oh well I just wanted to call and say Hi. I'll let you get back.' I say, 'Okay I'll call you after. I love you.' He says 'Love you' and we hang up.
Now there is nothing wrong with this call. This is one of those calls I want to drop everything for. But I was really into the show and just wanted to finish watching it...I don't think that makes me a horrible person.
Mercy ends and I call him...his VM picks up. I hang up and repeat only yet again to get his VM...Then I text. 'Hey you.' to which I still get no response.
I know it's dumb to care because well his phone could've died or something. But like really? It just urks me a bit I guess. I'm weirdly programed.
Like for instance if we have a fight even if I'm super pissed at him I usually beat myself up over it. I feel somehow like he'll break up with me or hate me or something.
And every time I miss his call or something I apologize and give my reason for missing it. When he misses my call he usually doesn't give a reason and never really apologizes. I'm aware his reaction is the appropriate one. And I'm aware I'm totally wacky for feeling like the world is going to end over every little thing...but I just can't help it.
I should have really probably gone to a therapist by now after my first ever bf broke up with me when I was 18 and I broke apart. Or even when I was younger because I tended to be pretty depressed most of my life. But whatever. Too late now I guess. Or never to late perhaps.
Anyway the bread came out tasting really well. My sister bought me a really pretty nail polish! It's a very pretty blue. And well I know he still loves me. Phonecall or not.
In the Job front I scored a part-time from the bf at his job. Which thankfully means I can pay for things, buy what I want, and begin paying off all my debt. Unfortunately it also means according to the Health Insurance company I make too much money to qualify. Great!
The President really needs to get on some kinda Health Plan for College Graduates right after graduation up until you land your first good job. Or at least the first like 5-10 years after college. This really sucks. Healthcare is so damn pricey.
In other news, still no license unfortunately and I've been super moody/emotional/slightly depressed or rather a lil more so then usual these days. I severely feel like I'm pushing the bf away and that is so very much the opposite of what I want. I just don't know how to fix the way I react to things. It's not like I have a shitty life. I mean it isn't ideal and well I have no social life now that I work, because I work 8am-12am on Sat and 8am-4pm on Sunday, and well sometimes living at home drives me up a wall, and I still don't really have any of my own friends in the area, but I just I dunno I just want everything to work out. So I'm trying to ride it out as good as possible. I guess all I can hope for is that I on't drive everyone away with my crazy...Easier said then done.
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