Relationships, Frazzeled Nerves, and The Battle Against Growing Up : A Tale of Hardships

I honestly do not know what to do...Lately I've been feeling very out of it. And the bf hasn't really been helping this situation. I'm unhappy. Not with him, not with us, but with life. With how everything is just stuck in motion. Unmoving, not growing. My social life still sucks, house situations the same, things with the bf (though lately rocky) are the same, my job sucks, bills suck, and being an adult sucks. I know I'm just full of words tonight aren't I? I just don't know what it is but I've been on edge lately. Everything and Anything, has had the ability to wind me up and send me spiraling. And Ryan? Well he hasn't exactly been making matters any easier. He's mad, perhaps even hurt, because for the first summer in two years we really haven't spent any weekends away together.

If you ask me we were spoiled. Our first two blissful summers together I was still in school so I was unemployed and able to go where I wanted, when I wanted. However this year is different. With me working only weekends and him working weekdays, weekends away together are out of the question. He is quite unhappy with that fact and has no trouble showing it. It's not like I'm happy though! I absolutely HATE the fact that I can't go to the beach or laze around in bed with him. I despise the fact that he gets to go out with his friends on the weekends and get trashed or have adventures while I'm stuck at work. It hurts to know that the only real time we get together is work on Mondays, maybe 2 hours on Sundays and thankfully for our sanity a full day on Friday.

I hate that I can't hang at his family's house at the beach and just enjoy time with him. Hate that when we are together we are generally too tired or time constrained to really do much at all. We haven't gone out to dinner in AGES and I miss how things used to be. I know that thing's aren't easy for him but they aren't easy for me either. Occasionally he hacks on me for a new job I was supposed to start months ago but haven't yet and it makes me feel inadequate. Like I'm not enough and whatever I do could never be enough. I know that's not his intention, that his annoyance isn't with me as much as the person who hired me and has yet to show anything for it. However I can't help but feel less every time. Because I can't fix it. As much as I wish I could I can not. Things are just the way they are and this job is good and maybe I could have gotten a better job if I had kept looking or maybe I wouldn't have found anything. Never the less we are still in the same position as before and I cant change that.

On a happier note (well sorta), my father is getting remarried next month. I'm not really happy about that, though I'm not pissed either. My father and I aren't that close so to me it's kinda whatever, I'm really indifferent. Anyway he's having an annoying destination wedding in FL and then he's off on a cruise. I was supposed to go with but the idea of being on a ship for so long with my dad and his new wife and family didn't exactly exhilarate me. So instead of paying my way on the cruise (his idea not mine) he's paying for my air fare, half of the hotel the bf and I will be staying at and he gave me cash to rent a car for getting around. So happily the bf and I will have a blissful vacation after all. It'll only be 5 days and over far too quick but I'm glad we're getting one at all. I think we really need it.

Everything has been so stressful lately, I can't stand it. I hate fighting with him and lately we've been doing alot of it. I know I'm probably at fault for most, but I can't help this feeling inside of just being lost and confused and scared out of my mind.

I can not wait for this break. I think it will be just what the doctor ordered. And hopefully when I get back my life will start to roll forward once more.

Driving is Freedom, But Freedom Has Needs : A Tale of Ups and Downs

So I went to my cousin Amy's Wedding with the bf and the rest of my family. I was afraid it was gonna be really awkward having him there. And it kinda was, but not near the extent I thought it would be. I was afraid because, well because, we had never been in that type of situation before. I had never brought him, let alone anyone to a wedding. Also we had never been put in any kind of slow dancing situation. Which I gotta say is quite odd since we shall hit our 2 year anniversary this August. Anyway it was nice, I cried and we ate a lot of food. Sadly though, because of the way the reception hall was situated I missed out on a few things. Like the garter removal and some of the goofiness that happens when the bridal party drinks too much. There was also the fact that the bf isn't much of a dancer so I was on the floor more often then he was so I felt bad leaving him alone. Then of course there was the embarrassment of my family initiating him in by making him dance or dancing around him. He however was a very amazing sport and took everything very well. And I love him for it.

Then of course came my birthday on the 14th. Not many people have ever really made a big thing about my birthday. You know those friends who take you out or plan gatherings or pub crawls so you could get totally blasted? Yeah, I've never had those. And the ones I had like that away at college could never really do anything for me since my birthday always landed in the summer while we were all home. Anyway the bf invited a bunch of people to a bar and we went out drinking and it was fun and made me really really happy.

On my actual BirthDAY I went to work and came home to a family party with delicious food and a yummy icecream cake from Baskin Robbins. The Boyfriend came over and it was a really great night.

I was set to take my drivers test on the 15th and was super worked up, stressed and utterly nervous out of my mind for it. On Saturday the 12th I find out that it was rescheduled to June 24th. I was mad, hurt, disappointed, relieved and well just a total mess. Now that I look back though I realize if I had taken it that Tuesday I most likely would have failed. By the 24th I felt very "whatever" about the test so I was relatively unstressed and no one wished me luck or spoke with me about it. When I got to the actual test I just breathed and listened to the radio with my instructor until it was my turn. The test seemed to go really fast and when I parked I was way too far from the curb. I told the test guy this and he told me to fix myself. Eighty million rapid heartbeats and 5 deducted points for excessive maneuvering in parking later, I was dubbed a license driver and happily now have the physical license to prove it.

I'm still waiting for a solid career type job. I'm still at home and my family still drives me bonkers at times. I still feel utterly stuck and lost and hopeless but things are kinda looking up for me.

I need to put my fears aside, take deep breaths and learn to grab life by the reigns...easier said then done though obviously.

On the plus side my sister is on vacation in Cali so I've been getting a lot more alone time. The boyfriend is positively amazing and patient with me as often and as much as I could ever possibly even ask him to be and things though still hard are hopefully on their way up.

So I leave you with this quote and hopes for betterment to myself and my life:

"Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." ~ Jack Buck