I honestly do not know what to do...Lately I've been feeling very out of it. And the bf hasn't really been helping this situation. I'm unhappy. Not with him, not with us, but with life. With how everything is just stuck in motion. Unmoving, not growing. My social life still sucks, house situations the same, things with the bf (though lately rocky) are the same, my job sucks, bills suck, and being an adult sucks. I know I'm just full of words tonight aren't I? I just don't know what it is but I've been on edge lately. Everything and Anything, has had the ability to wind me up and send me spiraling. And Ryan? Well he hasn't exactly been making matters any easier. He's mad, perhaps even hurt, because for the first summer in two years we really haven't spent any weekends away together.
If you ask me we were spoiled. Our first two blissful summers together I was still in school so I was unemployed and able to go where I wanted, when I wanted. However this year is different. With me working only weekends and him working weekdays, weekends away together are out of the question. He is quite unhappy with that fact and has no trouble showing it. It's not like I'm happy though! I absolutely HATE the fact that I can't go to the beach or laze around in bed with him. I despise the fact that he gets to go out with his friends on the weekends and get trashed or have adventures while I'm stuck at work. It hurts to know that the only real time we get together is work on Mondays, maybe 2 hours on Sundays and thankfully for our sanity a full day on Friday.
I hate that I can't hang at his family's house at the beach and just enjoy time with him. Hate that when we are together we are generally too tired or time constrained to really do much at all. We haven't gone out to dinner in AGES and I miss how things used to be. I know that thing's aren't easy for him but they aren't easy for me either. Occasionally he hacks on me for a new job I was supposed to start months ago but haven't yet and it makes me feel inadequate. Like I'm not enough and whatever I do could never be enough. I know that's not his intention, that his annoyance isn't with me as much as the person who hired me and has yet to show anything for it. However I can't help but feel less every time. Because I can't fix it. As much as I wish I could I can not. Things are just the way they are and this job is good and maybe I could have gotten a better job if I had kept looking or maybe I wouldn't have found anything. Never the less we are still in the same position as before and I cant change that.
On a happier note (well sorta), my father is getting remarried next month. I'm not really happy about that, though I'm not pissed either. My father and I aren't that close so to me it's kinda whatever, I'm really indifferent. Anyway he's having an annoying destination wedding in FL and then he's off on a cruise. I was supposed to go with but the idea of being on a ship for so long with my dad and his new wife and family didn't exactly exhilarate me. So instead of paying my way on the cruise (his idea not mine) he's paying for my air fare, half of the hotel the bf and I will be staying at and he gave me cash to rent a car for getting around. So happily the bf and I will have a blissful vacation after all. It'll only be 5 days and over far too quick but I'm glad we're getting one at all. I think we really need it.
Everything has been so stressful lately, I can't stand it. I hate fighting with him and lately we've been doing alot of it. I know I'm probably at fault for most, but I can't help this feeling inside of just being lost and confused and scared out of my mind.
I can not wait for this break. I think it will be just what the doctor ordered. And hopefully when I get back my life will start to roll forward once more.
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