I recently hurt one of the most important people in my life. I admitted to a betrayal I committed which was one of the most bitter I can imagine. I was stuck in a brutal dispute with myself between speaking of it or never letting it pass my lips. I can't explain the selfish reason why I brought it up. I honestly haven't figured it out myself. I believe it was a mix of anger, jealousy, insecurity, and desperation for desire that made me do it in the first place so perhaps it was a mixture of fear, guilt and the need to truly be truthful that made me let it loose. I understand now that it was both a good and bad thing to do. I was able to admit to a abomination of my character which was freeing and slightly empowering in the way of admitting I have a problem. However it was horrible how I disappointed the one I love. Also knowing that I changed their view of me hurt. But mostly what was the most unbearable of all is knowing that in doing what I did I hurt them and altered their world.
It hit me after admitting it that this was the moment, the moment where I lose everything important in my life because I couldn't handle not saying so any longer, because I did what I did in the first place. In that moment I felt lost, I felt defeated, I felt disgusted with myself. I saw my world cycling down into a dark vortex and I knew that it was of my own volition, my own doing. I knew that I had not a person to blame other then myself. I had done this injustice, I had been the betrayer, the causer of pain. I was no longer the victim and as much as I was hurting I knew that I would do whatever was needed to fix it...including taking a step back and disappearing out of the picture if need be.
In my desperation to make things right for the one I hurt I was even willing to take all the blame, to be hated, so that if anything I could at least relieve the pain on their end. That plan did not work of course but I had to try. I don't wish to say things are better since this admission occurred because honestly things weren't horrible to begin with. However my insecurity has diminished which I understand does not make any sense to you whatsoever and indeed makes me sound heartless.
However I also find now I am in a state of perpetual fear that one day, soon, out of the blue, when I have settled into the feeling that things are well, that the bottom will drop out. That I'll just be told that things haven't been working and we need to go our separate ways. Not that I'm deluding myself into a false belief that all is well and forgiven. Nor that everything we've spoken of is on the same track as before. Every breath I breathe is drenched with remorse. I find myself in a constant state of wanting to cry or hurt myself as punishment. I find myself swelling with depression and anger for what I've done, what I've become.
I don't allow myself these thoughts or feelings though when the one I've hurt is around. It is unfair to them to see my turmoil, it is to them I am currently indebted. Also as selfish as it is I want to enjoy every moment with them I am allotted. I want to hold every one and cherish it so if the day come when the turn around does happen I have good memories to pull me through the dark that will inevitably follow.
The one I hurt and myself have spoken about the details of the betrayal and though they have yet to truly forgive me, and I have a long road to try and earn even a smidgeon of their trust back, they are willing to try and work through it beside me. I love this person with every fiber of my being and I am willing to do whatever is needed to make things right.
...Even if that means walking away...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
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