I'm no Beauty Queen, I'm just Beautiful Me : A Tale of Attempted Acceptance

Selena Gomez has this new song called Who Says. Yes I do very much enjoy Selena Gomez, acting, singing, otherwise. Every time I hear this song I want to cry. She sings "Who says you're not perfect, who says you're not worth it, who says you're the only one that's hurting."

And all I can think is well me. I'm the one who takes all the crap I heard in my past and tells myself I'm not worth it, I'm not attractive, I don't deserve things. I don't feel I have anything to offer quite frankly and I'm sick and tired of thinking like that.

I don't even believe the Boyfriend when he says I'm beautiful, he loves me, he'll never leave me. I'm always waiting for the better thing to walk in front of him and take him away.

That's no way to think. It makes me nervous whenever he's with other girls, makes me doubt our relationship, keeps me down and I hate it. I want to say that I wish I was no one else. That I absolutely love me for me exactly as I am, flaws and all.

If the bf can love me despite and because of all of that why can't I? I want to do everything and anything in my power to make me feel better in my own skin. Honestly if I keep this up I'll only manage to push him away. I have to trust that I'm worth it because to me, he's beyond worth it.

A Story of Agony : A Tale at how much I suck at these sort of things...

So yet again I succeed at failing to keep up with something. Surprise, surprise. I always have the best intentions, don't get me wrong, I just tend to lack follow through...well at least over a long period of time. So what has been up with my life? New job? Not quite. New living situation...not exactly. New outlook on my standpoint in life, definitely not.

What can I say I'm a slave to unhappiness. Well that's not quite accurate I'm not miserable. I have my moments believe me, but all in all life is going pretty good. The boyfriend and I are still together, my family is still great even if consisting to be occasionally a little more then I can handle. My pup is doing fashionably. And what does that even mean actually? A distinctive or peculiar and often habitual manner or way? Seriously? Okay well that fits I guess. I tend to take freedom with the misuse of wordage. Anyway all in all things are basically on the up and up.

Does that make me any more of a competent or confident person? Ab-so-friggen-lutely not. I hate the fact that I have no belief in myself, no well love I guess for who I am or rather who i've grown to be. I don't know what it is. Anytime I think something positive about myself or the boyfriend compliments me all I can do is look for the bottom. Maybe it's years of teasing...or perhaps maybe it's more ingrained then that. Maybe I was born this way. Maybe this is the crack in my mold, my biggest flaw. The inability to ever be truly comfortable in my position in anything.

The Boyfriend has friends who are girls. These girls have homes. They hang out...alone...I shouldn't worry or care...and yet I can't help but do just that. Why can't he be one of those stupid guys with distasteful guy friends I can't stand. That at least would be easier to deal with emotionally. I'm ridiculous I'm aware. Totally incapable of being confident with myself and my ability to keep him around. How the hell could I sustain him?

I guess the issue stems from my view of myself. For some reason I can never be happy with anything having to do with me. There is always something that needs to be fixed or altered. If I just act how they want me to, smile when everyone looks, swallow the frog in my throat, laugh when all I want to do is cry, if I just do all these things then maybe they'll like me. Then maybe he'll love me. Then maybe he'll stick around.

I'm such an idiot. I'm this stupid person who needs a broken boy drunkenly professing his dying need for me to be in his life to feel confident. To not be jealous of girls in he associates with. That's not a relationship. I know my ex and I were screwed up. Imperfect. I know our relationship was unhealthy. So why is it that now I'm in a healthy and truly loving, mature relationship and all I wanna do is scream out "Aren't I enough!?!" I know I mean as much to bf as he does to me. So why is it that every time he tells me he's alone in a house with a girl my heart sinks in my chest.

I think a piece of me is always waiting for the letdown. The let go. It's inevitable right? I mean it happened to my mom why couldn't it happen to me?

I know it's not the same situation. I know that the bf loves me. I'm not being stupid, not letting my guard down. I'm not going to get one pulled over my head. But I know how much I mean to him. I know he'd be hurt if he lost me. So why is it I can't think of this when his lips utter those words, "I was at whoever's house hanging out". I should be fine with it. He's with me.

But it's not just that, I can't believe I can succeed in a job, or in life in general and every time I think of everything weighing down my chest I want to just give it all up. I don't because I know that would be stupid but I can't help but wonder if the world would be better off without my insecurity, my drama.

Now don't take this the wrong way. This isn't an "I'm thinking of offing myself" type blog. Merely a "wish I could sail away and start over on some far off island in the sun" type blog. Or more so a "wish I could see what exactly goes on behind my back" blog like a "how do people really feel about me" sort of thing. Or even a "wish I was stronger and loved who I was inside and out and could be utterly confident" type thing...

Anyway I'm starting to blather. Sorry. Anyway I want to keep up with this thing...maybe taking it in a different direction would be something to consider.