My knees go weak : A Tale of A Love So Intense It Overtakes

So as much as lately I've been having moments of just unhappy feelings that I can't explain, control or even begin to understand I must say I have been so incredibly happy.

I know I've said it before but I am so very much in love with the bf.

Everyday I've been waking up more and more invested in these feelings. So overtaken by my love that I can't even breathe without smiling, can't close my eyes without seeing him, think of rubbing my hand on the back of his neck as we kiss, press my head against his own. Just honestly connect with him.

There are just so many things in the world that we- that I - can not control. There are just too many angry or sad moments. Too many "what ifs" and "how comes". So many regrets and embarrassments and I just, I've come to notice that taking a moment to take in a breath and take harness of the feelings that rush through me when I think of being with him. This intense comfort and just peace at finding this one person that just loves me, overcomes me.

He loves me. Strongly and truly. Through the fights and the tears, the obvious pile of baggage that I carry. Just loves me and wants to make me happy even when it makes him upset. That selfless love that is uncontrollable, complex and complicated.

I think of all these words and feelings and my hopes for the future and all I can think, Bloggers and readers among me, is that at this moment, with this man, I am by far the happiest person I could ever be. And even though I know things get harder and life is never easy, I know in my heart, that this is the Man i was meant to be with. This man who knows me and still loves me. Who cares for me and fights with me and builds me up and tears me down and all the good and bad combined...we were meant for one another. I feel that so deep in my heart. I know it.

I'm just so very happy to have found him and have him in my life. I'm just truly and deeply satisfied, so very satisfied with loving him.

It's been a long September...A tale of desolation

I realize it's not at all even close to september...unless of course you are thinking in a backwards kind of motion. Then I guess it's closer in that respect then it in in the forward thinking aspect. Never the less it's how I feel. That kind of back to school feeling where you want it to still be summer but know you are destined for the long drawn out year to come.

I've kind of been a sand storm as of late. Just kind of blowing around and making a fuss. A ball of emotion thats forming and bursting on the regular. Two other couples I know got engaged. Two other barely even couples that don't seem like they should be in relationships let alone marriages have decided to tie the knot. I say this and you're probably sitting there thinking, What a bitch. But in all honesty I'm not being mean, just factual. I guess,though, I am acting petty for letting it get to me.

But honestly the recent influx in engagements have me in a kind of "I don't even want to bother getting engaged" sort of mood. I have had open discussions, arguments, fights and devoted whispers with the bf about it. And we both agree that it's not really in the stars any time soon. That thought gives me some pleasure. I don't know how excited I'd actually be about a proposal right now. In the middle of all these other people it just feels less special. All in all it's bought him some time at least. But really that's not the only thing that's been on my plate.

Work at the catering hall has been off and on because of a slow season. Work at the yard has gotten progressively more annoying since I had been spending much more time there. The bf and I have been good, then bad, then good again. Alot probably do to my crazy emotional sewage breaching the shores of my consciousness. Home life still sucks to the same extent as usual and there isn't even an escape at the bf's place because his brother is proving just as difficult for me to handle.

I don't know what has been up with me lately. Something is off. I feel it. There are often moments where all I want to do is cry and I can't even place why. Then quickly following those moments are extreme bouts of passion, love, desire for the bf and having a future, building a life with him that I often can't breathe. Gradually followed by numbing panics of thoughts from "I can't handle all this" to "How long can he actually love me." It's just seems like this scary roller coster ride I unwillingly got on thats getting higher and higher and all I can do is wait in fear for the drop back down.

It's terrifying, it's exhausting, it's taking a toll on me and I worry on the bf as well. I just really don't even have a clue where to begin to fix it all or at least set it all down in neat rows to deal with. It's setting out to be an emotionally taxing year. I can just feel it.

We found love in a hopeless place : A tale of jealousy with a touch of depression

I know that when you hear someone say they got engaged you are supposed to be happy for them. Well mainly if they are your friend that's how you are supposed to react. And truth be told I am happy for them. I'm extremely happy...but I'm also kind of torn up inside. I'm so jealous and feeling cheated, I guess is the best way to explain it. I know that life bites you in the ass, it's always gonna have you fall when you think your up or shock you with something great when your down. That's just how life is. I get that. I get that my life is not at all anywhere near where I want it to be and I'm partially to blame. However I just feel so lost. So upset and conflicted. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to yell out to the universe why not me?? I realize this is a stupid thing to do.

I know why it's not me. I know I don't have a significant enough job to afford marriage. I know that the more my boyfriend finds himself stuck in the same job the less likely it is. I get that the more I mention marriage, and the more we fight about marriage, the more he's going to not want to marry me. I know that we have our issues in our relationship that we need to work through before we take that step. And I know that when we do take that step it's not going to come easy...hell if I've learned anything I've learned that relationships are damn near impossible.

Not to say that they are pointless or meaningless, just that a lot of work goes into them. Its a constant struggle but if you love that person with all of your heart then that struggle is totally worth it. But being on the immovable path we are currently on is starting to get to me. And it makes me wonder what have i been doing wrong all this time?  Should I never had mentioned marriage at all? Should I have let him come up with the idea? But then technically he was the one who first brought it up.

But then should I have been saving up for this moment I've been waiting for? Should I have been sacking away all my cash in the event of this? Why does it seem so easy and so carefree for everyone else and for me all I can do is worry about when it'll happen and how it will all come together. Why is it that I can't simply be happy for my friend? Why do I have to be so sad for myself?

It's not as though we haven't spoken of it at all. I know his terms and I know his worries but does he even truly understand mine? Does he even realize what all this does to me? How stressed I am that I can't have what I want until it meets his standards? Until he is ready. I've been ready my entire life. Ready and waiting. Waiting on the universe, God, destiny, to cross my path with the right guy...honestly all my stressing makes me wonder if I did even find the right guy...

Whoa take a moment there I'm not saying I don't think the bf is the one. I do. I just wonder if maybe there were a more willing guy out there for me, someone who wants all the things I want. I wonder if there is a more take charge type of girl out there for him. One who wouldn't press the issue or even find a need to. One who wanted everything he wanted before he altered it all to please me. This is starting to sound pretty horrible. Probably because the longer I sit typing this the more I am in my head about it. And the more I'm in my head the more miserable I seem to feel about it. I'm going to go now before this gets any more depressed and twisted.

Bottom line:  My friends announcing their engagement leaves me with mixed emotions I can not discuss with the boyfriend for fear of sounding needy or pushy. And it makes me want to scream, or cry, or both.

When the Bullet Hits the Bone : A Tale of heartship

It's funny how you could know someone your whole life and not know them at all. My sister is 3 years older then me.  She's stuck in life...but thats not at all what this is about. I'm 25, grew up with my sister every day of my life. She didn't go away to college, I did. So that was about the only real span of time we were away from one another. All those years and I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that I know absolutely nothing about her...well maybe nothing is too strong a word. I do know some things, what she's into, what she likes, about how much she spends, how much she lies. However when it comes to the important stuff she makes damn sure to keep me out of it. I don't know if she's had a boyfriend ever, or a girlfriend for that matter. Don't know what she wants in life, what she aspires to be. I don't know her friends, don't know what she does when she leaves the house. Her life is a mystery to me. Her true person a locked box I don't have the key to. She tells my 19 year old cousin more about herself then she does me. It's funny because as a younger sibling you are supposed to admire your older sibling and me? I can't help but want to be anything but her. She doesn't respect me as a sister, barely wants me as one.

We got into the most intense fight ever tonight. I poured my heart out to her...and want to know her response? She corrected me in my argumentative skills.  And i'm sure if she were reading this she'd have tons to say about my grammar and spelling. Gotta love it. I'm just done.

I'm giving up on caring because she obviously doesn't give a damn. So, why should I?

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night : A Tale of Love and Flight

At the end of this month, August 30th, the bf and I will hit our three year mark. Honestly I can't believe it. If you would have approached me in High school and told me that I would find a man who would love me whole-heartedly for who I am, flaws and all, someone I could be goofy around who would still always find me sexy not just cute, someone I would love so very much that I'd reach a point where my heart would actually yearn for him whenever he wasn't around, I would have figured you were mental. Never the less that is exactly the case here. We have had our issues and our fights but through it all we have stuck together, hashing it all out and working through to patch things that needed fixing or alter things that needed changing. We have stood side by side knowing in our hearts that the only one we truly wanted to be with was one another. This man is the one I choose and will always choose to be with, to grow with, to love for eternity. I can honestly say I have never been in love with anyone the way I am with the bf. 

He is my heart and soul. My rock. He keeps me sane and is quite a saint for being able to tolerate me and my antics. He is the only one I wish to spend my life with. I used to have a saying, "You won't feel the other half of my heartbeat. I'm incomplete." I can finally say I have found the one who negates that. Who complements me, who makes me better and stronger. He makes me want to be a better person, to accomplish all I can. He inspires me and fills me with passion.

I love him more then I could ever put into words. I find myself wishing to start our future together but I can't help but want to slow the present so it can continue this way. Every moment I spend with him making every moment previous more precious. I love him so very much and though I find it hard to articulate quite the extent of it I will say this, He makes me truly happy.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."   Emily Bronte

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." Roy Croft

The Ultimate Betrayal : A tale of regret and turmoil

I recently hurt one of the most important people in my life. I admitted to a betrayal I committed which was one of the most bitter I can imagine. I was stuck in a brutal dispute with myself between speaking of it or never letting it pass my lips. I can't explain the selfish reason why I brought it up. I honestly haven't figured it out myself. I believe it was a mix of anger, jealousy, insecurity, and desperation for desire that made me do it in the first place so perhaps it was a mixture of fear, guilt and the need to truly be truthful that made me let it loose. I understand now that it was both a good and bad thing to do. I was able to admit to a abomination of my character which was freeing and slightly empowering in the way of admitting I have a problem. However it was horrible how I disappointed the one I love. Also knowing that I changed their view of me hurt. But mostly what was the most unbearable of all is knowing that in doing what I did I hurt them and altered their world.

It hit me after admitting it that this was the moment, the moment where I lose everything important in my life because I couldn't handle not saying so any longer, because I did what I did in the first place. In that moment I felt lost, I felt defeated, I felt disgusted with myself. I saw my world cycling down into a dark vortex and I knew that it was of my own volition, my own doing. I knew that I had not a person to blame other then myself. I had done this injustice, I had been the betrayer, the causer of pain. I was no longer the victim and as much as I was hurting I knew that I would do whatever was needed to fix it...including taking a step back and disappearing out of the picture if need be.

In my desperation to make things right for the one I hurt I was even willing to take all the blame, to be hated, so that if anything I could at least relieve the pain on their end. That plan did not work of course but I had to try. I don't wish to say things are better since this admission occurred because honestly things weren't horrible to begin with. However my insecurity has diminished which I understand does not make any sense to you whatsoever and indeed makes me sound heartless.


However I also find now I am in a state of perpetual fear that one day, soon, out of the blue, when I have settled into the feeling that things are well, that the bottom will drop out. That I'll just be told that things haven't been working and we need to go our separate ways. Not that I'm deluding myself into a false belief that all is well and forgiven. Nor that everything we've spoken of  is on the same track as before. Every breath I breathe is drenched with remorse. I find myself in a constant state of wanting to cry or hurt myself as punishment. I find myself swelling with depression and anger for what I've done, what I've become.


I don't allow myself these thoughts or feelings though when the one I've hurt is around. It is unfair to them to see my turmoil, it is to them I am currently indebted. Also as selfish as it is I want to enjoy every moment with them I am allotted. I want to hold every one and cherish it so if the day come when the turn around does happen I have good memories to pull me through the dark that will inevitably follow.


The one I hurt and myself have spoken about the details of the betrayal and though they have yet to truly forgive me, and I have a long road to try and earn even a smidgeon of their trust back, they are willing to try and work through it beside me. I love this person with every fiber of my being and I am willing to do whatever is needed to make things right.


...Even if that means walking away...      

An Air of change : A Tale of new Opportunity and Maturity coupled with crippling fear

So I have recently become employed again, in my chosen career path, that is. I managed to gain access to a group of wonderfully talented people at a Catering hall in the city. Great atmosphere, good pay. I'm still working at the yard doing the security thing part-time but this job takes all the things I have learned over those four lovingly expensive and exciting years of college and actually puts them to use.

I'm working three days a week at this new job, seven hour days. This is not an issue. Of course getting to work is always a battle but being at work is actually quite pleasurable. The only thing is that these three extra days of work are flipping my world on it's axis.

I was never one to deal with change well. I get flustered, stressed, out of sorts. I never quite understand how others do it. How does one handle work, family, friends, lovers, life. How do you juggle all these different aspects into one cohesive string. I always feel as if I'm missing something. I either feel I am not spending enough time with others or by myself or doing things I enjoy, I feel as though I'm dropping some ball or another.

I feel lost and when I feel lost all I want to do is curl into a ball under the covers, shut my eyes tight and let the days pass me by. Immature I'm aware. I don't know, there's just a part of me that wishes there was some kind of manual. Some kind of written work to tell me what it is I should or need to be doing. Or a part of me that wishes I could get a sight into my future, just a glimpse, to make sure that I don't screw it up somehow. To be certain that what I'm doing and how is not wrong. That I am indeed following the right path and that one day I do have it all figured out.

I know everyone is working to get there ducks in a row. That's just how life works. I just wish I knew the pattern they end up resembling that way I could enjoy all the stuff in between without worry. I'm aware that one day I'm going to need to be a grown up and deal with stressful things at the drop of a hat...i just worry I'm never going to learn the skill needed to accomplish this...