Since I graduated I don't feel like my life is moving forward. I feel like i'm stuck in the mud. If anything I feel like I'm rolling backwards. Away at school I had friends, I had a life, I had things to do and people to see. Parties, school, random drives and walks, stuff that took up my time even if it was nothing at all. Living away from home was freeing it was like floating. And now I'm grounded. How appropriate. I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough to live but according to health plus pays me too much for their help. I live at home and, when I'm around, my family drives me up a wall but when I'm not they make me feel guilty for how much time I spend away. I have no friends in the vicinity and the few ones I do have I can't hang out with because they only have time during the weekend which is the only time I do work. I'm up to my ears in loans and I feel like whatever money I do have leaves my hands in seconds. I have all these ideas for using my money or saving up for various things and wonder if I'll ever make enough to accomplish them. I feel utterly disgustingly fat even though I know i'm not that bad but gyms cost money and take up time. I have to go to Dr's for annual visits but don't have insurance to cover any of it which means it comes out of my moms pockets and I feel horrible for putting her out. My boyfriend makes me happy but then there are times where even he can't help me.
When I was young I was pretty much always depressed. In College, sophomore year and the year that followed I thought it might swallow me. Then things started looking up and I was back at school and I had amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend, was passing my classes and was generally enjoying life. Now that I'm back home I feel lost again. It's utterly pathetic too because I find myself at times jealous of my own boyfriend. He has friends and a social life, a job that pays him a hell of alot more then me and he buys what he wants when he wants it. I covet that. When he says he has plans or is going out I get hurt that I can't come too and that's just sad. The few guy friends I have left I don't really trust being alone with because I feel they will make a pass at me and it annoys me when they do so. And the one friend I hang with all the time has a baby, lives with her mom and unfortunately is currently unemployed and I even find myself jealous of her.
It's ridiculous and I don't know how to fix it all. Which makes me feel even worse when Ryan tries to cheer me up or fix it because it's currently unfix-able and unavoidable. There is no explaining it, it's a hole, no rhyme or reason, no way to fill it. It just is. I find myself walking around depressed quite often and worrying and crying and it annoys me. Then I get annoyed at being so annoying because I don't want to scare Ryan off or push him away. Then I also think back on how good of a relationship we had when I was away. How balanced it was and how little we fought and how passionate and alive it all was. And that annoys me. And now it all feels like everything in falling downhill and I don't know how to keep it all above water.
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