It's a Bloody Nightmare : A Tale of Defeat and Deception

About a week. That's how long my Job lasted. I was overwhelmed, I was pathetic, I wasn't ready. I was also put in a position of having to make a serious life choice, Baker or Pastry Chef?

You are probably wondering what the difference is...that is if your even bothering to read this. Well let me explain.

A baker is someone who actually makes product. They get flour and batter all over themselves. Smudge their glasses or clothes with chocolate. They are the front line of the war. The Pastry chef? Well that's the finisher. He makes the pretty as my friend puts it. He never really makes the product but he uses his artistic abilities to take what he is given to a much higher level. So I was put in the position to decide if I wanted the thousands of dollars my mother and father put into schooling to go to me on the starting line or me dipping donuts and making ice cream cake...

I know. Right now you are thinking, -- Idiot, what the hell does it matter? It was a job. It was money. It was a cake walk. --

But I'm not the type of person that finds money important. I mean of course it is important, but to me, the happiness at a job is more important and to me I wouldn't have enjoyed this job. There was no challenge in it, it was getting far to large and out of hand and to be quite honest with you, I didn't want to put all the work into a starting business that I really had no desire for. Because if I'm being truthful with myself I wasn't committed to the job at all. Yeah, it was a great opportunity, good money and well...a job, but that wasn't the reason I should have jumped at it. I should have taken a step back and really thought about what I would be doing. Which is exactly what I did...perhaps a tad too late but in my opinion thankfully not late enough to be stuck. Because the designs were still mine, my life was still mine, my opinions, which were basically going unheard, were still mine. I hadn't signed myself away yet. Sure I worked 3 and a half days that I didn't have to. And sure I'll probably get no money for it. But in the long run it was the best thing I could do. The best thing for myself and the best thing for the guys I would have been screwing over had I decided to leave after the place opened.

So...Post grad and jobless once again. Gratefully my mother is on my side. She supports me and has my back, and as much as no one will believe it, I think shes happier I didn't take the job. She knows me, and she knows the tears I shed for this job that were totally unnecessary. My bf on the other hand...well he had a harder time taking the news. Which is understandable since he was the one who sorta got me the job. So he felt that I made an ass out of him. Which I guess essentially I did. Which totally sucks. It hurt me to turn down the job because I knew I would be letting him down in a way or two. Disappointing yet again. Disappointing him, disappointing his family...but I did think about it. I did run it through my head and friends and family and took everything and soaked in it. In the end though I had to do what was in my best interest. For my sanity, which in essence effects his sanity and my families sanity.

I do feel horrible about it though.

God, so very horrible. For many different reasons. However I don't regret my decision...if I regret anything in fact it is my initial decision. Me saying yes to the job in the first place. I could have turned it down. I could have assessed the situation better or asked for a better explanation of my title and what would be expected of me. Then maybe I would have known earlier and not hurt anyone...

Life sucks in that way. How in every action there is a reaction. How every thing has a consequence. Every decision you make, a result. How even the smallest can effect things in the largest ways. I feel really bad now and I was going to say I can't explain it, but I can.

I feel horrible for the people who love me, who care for me, who support me, who are carrying me and how not having a job effects them. I feel bad that my decisions affect them largely. But this job I turned down wasn't one I could hold till I found a new one. It wasn't a whatever gig. It was a commitment thing and I just couldn't give it the commitment it required or the guys starting it desired.

To me what I did was the lesser of two evils. Now though I need to find some kind of filler job and quick. I can't keep living my life they way I am. I need to support myself or i'll end up stuck in a much deeper rut with a much worse end note.

So I leave you with these two quotes I find to be fitting for the matter.

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Maureen Dowd

and

"A thousand things advance; nine hundred and ninety-nine retreat; that is progress." - Henri Frederic Amiel